Fannish. Freak. Dork. Geek. JUST SUE!

[crazydiamondsue]

I've been reading the SPN wank here and there and I have to say that, fandom...this is one time I don't get it. I understood (even though I thought it was stupid) the whole "Respect Jensen and Jared" wank. I think. I understood the "Zomg...incest is real even if Sam and Dean aren't!!" wank. I understood the "BNFs Should Be Friends" wank (I guess...God, that one was really stupid) and heaven only knows how much I enjoyed the "Physical Proof of Jensen's Hot Girlfriend Makes My Masturbatory Fantasies Seem Fruitless Despite Resultant Orgasm" wank.

What I don't get about THIS most recent wank (post "The Monster at the End of the Book") are the people who feel 'outed'. You're not T.R. Knight and Kripke isn't Perez Hilton. Chill. I get the people who feel that the treatment of fandom was somewhat dismissive and perhaps a tad mean spirited. I don't feel that way. But I get it. "Those wacky slashers with their tramp stamps and hard-on for brother!cest." If that's what you felt, okay, valid.

BUT.

It's the people horrified that slash was mentioned and that they've somehow been exposed that are head scratchers over here in "I'm a Grown-Ass Woman, Who Are You to Mock My Two Dudes Kissin' Love?" land. Yes, Deansgirl1, you've been found out. Your Granny totally knows. Okay, caveat: I can understand if you are a 35-year-old media executive and Eric Kripke mailed a copy of your Wincest classic "Brother Lover, Lover Brother" to your boss with your real name following "written by." I can see that it might raise a brow. Possibly conflicts of all kinds of interest.

What is odd for me is the reaction of people who feel as if they now need to explain slash. 'Cause I think Sam did that pretty well. The nice part? Neither Sam nor Dean reacted to the same-sex angle, merely to the familial one. I enjoyed that. Maybe it's because I come from a fandom with borderline canon slash (Spike/Angel, etc) and extra-textual slash (a same-sex relationship for a previously only-written-as-straight character in the Buffy comics) but allow me a moment of BFD: so some (or you!) might write same sex relationship stories. So? And? If the "The L Word" called, you wouldn't take a RL, same-sex writing gig? ('Cause, God, someone needs to.)

I think part of my befuddlement here comes from being so much older than the majority of SPN fandom. I've been a self-supporting adult since 1991. I've been married since 1992. I stopped caring what my parents "found out about me" sometime during the Bush, Sr. administration. One of the comments from someone fearing an awkward conversation about slash with their dad made me laugh so hard at the image of my dad (who thinks that a fax and email are the same thing) attempting to Google my fic from his IBM selectric.

But I'm proudly a geek, a dork. I've turned in papers on fandom to professors. I've rec'd my fanfic to professors (albeit those who were Angel/Buffy fans.) If the subject came up, I've told pretty much all of my real life friends -- including my baby brother -- about my fandom activities. THEY DON'T CARE. This, to them, is just another bit of dorky in a long line of dorky.

You want me to out myself? Things I have done loud and proud:

I was a cheerleader who really cared about the team, even though I didn't understand the sport(s). I did small town college theatre -- badly. I sang in show choir -- badly. I wrote bad poetry -- badly. I collected Barbies -- sadly. I use Mary Kay. I eat meat, no make that beef! I believe in Jesus. I'm an ex-Baptist/Pentecostal. I've worn Laura Ashley dresses. I wore acid wash, flannel and fake, vinyl Doc Martens in the 90s. I had Lee Press-On hair. I had a mullet. I've gone to more than one craft show. I scrapbook. I love Pampered Chef. I love Elvis movies. I was a really big Milli Vanilli fan. I know all the words to "MmmBop!" I wrote and performed in every skit every performed at my school and church -- gleefully. I was the only person in my class to go to college right out of high school. I was the only virgin in my graduating class. I was laughed at by every friend I ever had in high school or junior high for: reading, using correct spelling and knowing the correct conjugation of the verbs "to be" and "to see."

I live in OKLAHOMA -- the state so backward that it makes West Virginia regularly breathe a sigh of relief. The fact that I once wrote and still read slash fiction (albeit not typically incestuous slash fiction)? Not a blip on the freakin' radar as far as any of my friends, family and acquaintances are concerned.

But then, I am a thirty-eight-year-old, emotionally independent, stay-at-home mom with a tenured husband in the one industry NOT rattled by the current economic climate. I have nothing to lose by my dorkdom. I'm not just a geek, nay, I am a dork - because I'm happy about being a geek.

I. Am. A. Dork. A slash reading, formerly slash writing, totally fandom-whoring, unashamed-of-my-fannish-tendencies DORK. But I'm also cute and funny and sometimes hard working and people seem hellbent on liking me, despite my faults, my most grievous faults.

But so far? Being a loud and proud geeky dork has not cost me a job (and I wasn't always a Mommy -- I've been a VP, an ESL educator, a college admission advisor...) or respect, I was a Baptist deacon's wife, a happy homemaker and pretty soundly admired for my happy marriage and, well, normalcy in a state full o' family drama.

So if you're in the geek closet, feel free to school me on why, but I'm lettin' my freak flag fly in all its dorky glory.

...but I'd still never wear a Supernatural t-shirt in public. Have you seen those things? The cotton-blend is so cheap and skimpy and the colors are glaring and harsh and since when are Sam's eyes cerulean...

*Oblique **spoilers** for SPN 4.18 and meandering discussion of wank

Comments

[angstpuppy.livejournal.com]

The first slash I ever read was poorly copied on pages that you could get high by sniffing.

In other words:

\0/

[crazydiamondsue.livejournal.com]

poorly copied on pages that you could get high by sniffing That made me grin hugely. (Also remember said paper. Mmmm...mimeograph.)

[abusing-sarcasm.livejournal.com]

*stands up and applauds*

I'm not in the SPN fandom, but enough of my friends are that I've heard the wank. And I think this is the coolest thing I've ever read.

I mean, c'mon! Just saying it exists doesn't mean it outs you as doing it! If you watch the show with your mom, and she turns to you and says, "Do you do this 'slash' of which they speak?" can't you just say, "Nope. Never hoida it."

Kids today. No balls at all.

*squishes you for being awesome*

P.S. OMG DO YOU HAVE A PAMPERED CHEF DEEP COVERED BAKER? I cook whole chickens in the microwave all the time now and they're YUMTASTIC! :D

[crazydiamondsue.livejournal.com]

I don't have the covered baker, but I have 3 batter bowls! :) The only disappointing item I even bought was the food chopper -- I chopped it into pieces. :(

I guess my confusion with the younguns NOT wanting to tell their family they read/write slash (and I'm talking about the under-25 crowd here, the dependents) is the WHY they don't want to say. Is it the geekiness? The copyright infringement angle? The incest ('cause my Mom and I read the whole "Flowers in the Attic" series together when I was in junior high...just sayin') or the same-sex bit? I did SO much that was geekier and gayer when I was kid...and my mom survived it. Hah!

[lyr]

Y'know, I don't share my fannish work with anyone who knows me in RL, but I don't make it a secret that it exists, either. And I will happily and proudly defend fandom and slash to anyone, anytime. I'm odd, and I'm good with that. I don't feel "outed". But I did think that maybe the treatment of fandom on SPN was a bit dismissive, and that snarked me off a bit.

But I so love you in all your shiny dork glory. Let that flag fly, baby!

[crazydiamondsue.livejournal.com]

I think it's easy for me to open in RL because the people I know are either geeks/artists or that every interest that is NOT OU football is weird to them. I used the example to adis723 that most people in RL that I write (er, or that I can write, not much of the actual practice going on these days.) Most know that I wrote Buffy fanfic with an "online writer's group." Their reaction upon finding out was tepid (to comatose.) However, when I attempted recently to discuss the tour of the Harlem Renaissance exhibit at OKC's art museum with a few of my (non-geeky, non-artistic fans) my enthusiasm was met with, "I didn't get it. Most of it just made me feel bad for being white. Of course, YOU'D like it -- you're weird."

I think everyone should experience Oklahoma. Just once. :)

[likeadeuce.livejournal.com]

One of the comments from someone fearing an awkward conversation about slash with their dad made me laugh so hard at the image of my dad (who thinks that a fax and email are the same thing) attempting to Google my fic from his IBM selectric.

Ha ha ha ha, man. I love you!

And truthfully, I wouldn't talk about fanfic with my parents or people I work with, but not because I don't want them to know it exists.

[crazydiamondsue.livejournal.com]

I've been trying to attempt to compose why I could talk to my dad about fanfic, but it would be like talking to a cat about Nietzsche. It's not the geeky thing, because he came of age before the rise of the teenage culture and pop culture as we know it. "Geeky" means nothing to him. It's the writing angle. It's the creativity. I could say the following statements to Dad:

"Wow, I'm still getting feedback on a slash fanfic that I wrote in 2005 where Xander/Angel of Buffy are gay cowboys. I'm impressive."

or

"I've decided I'm going to interview some of the people that have lived here since the range wars and possibly write a feminist novel about my ancestress Carrie Starr."

My dad's reaction? "Oh, are you still messing with that writing shit? I done tole you and tole you, you need to get a real job, like a bank teller or a grocery store manager."

In either case, I'd roll my eyes and do exactly what I was going to do to begin with (although it would never be to write a novel about Carrie Starr. Though fascinating, I'm too freaking lazy and that would be too hard a sell and my verbosity would make The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford seem like a one-act.)

[cityphonelines.livejournal.com]

Yes, Deansgirl1, you've been found out. Your Granny totally knows.

You don't know Sue. DON'T JUDGE HER PAIN. We must start a fandom fund to raise money for the laser removal of her lamesauce tattoo. Poor thing.

I think the FIRST person I ever told about slash was a guy that I was trying to blow off that would not get the hint. I came clean about my BtVS geekery, about fandom and Xander/Spike reading and writing. He? LIKED ME EVEN MORE.

I told Missa about fandom when we were gonna go to the con in Texas last summer. I had to prep her, there was a crash course. She handled it well, although she was already wearing a J2 tinhat and catching the wincest vibes ALL ON HER OWN. That said she does think fic is wrong. Fanfic because of copyright infringement, RPS because it's wiggy. I respect her opinions. She respects that I ship Xander/Spike.

My point? Oh, um... fandom based t-shirts are for sleeping. Now I'm going to go have tea in my SPN mug.

[crazydiamondsue.livejournal.com]

We must start a fandom fund to raise money for the laser removal of her lamesauce tattoo. Stop. You're hurting me...with laughter!

I guess I've always known about fandom? I've always known geeks? I've never explained about fandom (and by fandom I mean those who go to conventions, read/writer fan fic, create media or otherwise are WAY involved in their source material) and gotten an adverse reaction. Maybe a raised brow or two?

But I'm the weirdo who thought "To Kill a Mockingbird" needed a sequel and wrote the adventures of Scout for several summers, years before I could spell 'infringement.'

I have had people fascinated by fandom, even if they never wanted to participate. Jen. A few professors. Random people I accost when they're buying "Twilight" and I try to shove Season 1-3 of Buffy in their hands...

Did I tell you I chipped my Eddie's SPN mug? Coffee still tastes good from it, though...

My thoughts on wiggy/copyright are this: If my writing/reading slash fanfic based on SPN or imaginations of SPN actors is any wiggier or more infringy than Randy Harrison half-dressed as an altar boy and singing "My Life Would Suck Without You"...then I don't want to be right. Or something. Oh, for Queer as Folk and canon slash and actors who said upfront that they disliked their roles/writers/fans, dammit!!

[kita0610.livejournal.com]

You had Lee Press on HAIR??

[crazydiamondsue.livejournal.com]

Metaphorically. :) My best friend used to call it that (this was freshman year college because I had the perfect sprayed bubble on top and then a perfect sprayed bubble on bottom. Looked like I just glued it on every morning...it did not move!

[mirasol.livejournal.com]

My sister, two brothers and best friend all know that I write fanfic - or as they so nicely put it, gay vampire porn. So I don't have the same fear of being "outed", though, yeah, I wouldn't want my boss to know exactly what kind of things I write.

I do understand, however, those people who were uncomfortable with what happened. I almost posted the following in my lj about this:

Everyone defecates. Most of us, at some time, have had that terrible moment when the act hasn't been silent.

Imagine, if you will, that someone played a recording that sounded just like that. Nobody knows who it was, but you KNOW that it sounded like you.

It's a thing that everyone does but there won't be the same reaction.

Some will laugh and make fart jokes. Some will be disgusted. Some will feel intense embarrassment because it could be them.

Except I didn't because I wasn't going to let myself in for the comments about comparing writing to having a crap. If only it was that easy.

[crazydiamondsue.livejournal.com]

Hahahaha!

Love the analogy. However, I think "Twilight" has removed all shame of fanfic. No one would be ashamed to write a best seller, right? If someone found out that I wrote vampire porn, my attitude would be, "Yeah? And? It's like your precious Twilight. Only with sex. And narrative flow. Fewer sparkles, however."

[dancetomato.livejournal.com]

I love you.

[crazydiamondsue.livejournal.com]

'Tis love returned.

[altyronsmaker.livejournal.com]

I love you. You are awesometastic. I just thought I'd let you know. Your Dorkitude is of the best quality - I strive to emulate it (though, um, the acid wash, flannel and vinyl Docs I can't do). ♥

[crazydiamondsue.livejournal.com]

Oh, the vinyl Docs were really bad. *shudders* They're just behind the early 20s Barbie collection (since donated) in things-that-I'm-horrified-to-have-done.

*smish*

[turnonmyheels.livejournal.com]

I love you SO HARD right now. It makes you feel old, it makes me feel tired.

[anelith.livejournal.com]

Not being a part of SPN fandom I'm sort of piecing together what happened by your post and Vinnie's, but I just love the Sue-ishness of this post. Love you in all your dorky glory!

[snglesrvngfrend.livejournal.com]

Just more agreement, here. I tend to be oblivious about fandom wank, and that's deliberate. I discuss the show with my flist and squee with capslock_spn. That's it. So I usually hear about these things from others, just like this.

It sometimes feels to me like fandom is barely tipping the scales in the positive direction. What I mean by that is, it usually feels like 51% entertainment, enjoyment, writing (this bit's particularly important to me!) and other good things, and 49% wank and the like. How does everything get blown up so much? I'm not suggesting anyone's genuine feelings get minimized or disregarded, but sometimes? You just have to remember that it's just a show. It's fictional. I'm sure there are all kinds of things happening on shows I don't watch that I wouldn't like. Sometimes there are things happening on shows I do watch that I don't like. But how much does it matter, really? I think what a lot of people are missing, here, is perspective.

You have that perspective. Also? You're 800 kinds of win. Your geek pride makes me so happy. Keep on keepin' on.

[julia-here.livejournal.com]

I have to admit I felt sideswiped by the SPN wank, since my (adult, slash-writing, proudly geekish) friends list and the (adult, professional, but sometimes volatile) SPN viewers at the S'cubie board all loved it and were sqeeing in four part harmony.

But I love you for putting the proud testimony of geekitude and dorkdom on paper, if loving you more were possible.

Julia, thinking about all the Oklahoma stories that need told

[tabaqui]

BWEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!

Yes. I don't talk about slash much with my family because they don't get it and don't care. They just wonder when i'll publish something.
*snickers*

But yeah - my reaction to all the QQ'ing was basically 'omg, get a fuckin' life' 'cause most people watching SPN would either not get it, or get it and then forget about it by the end of the episode. Nobody *cares*, unless they're some kind of uptight, right-wing homophobe.

I thought the entire ep was done with love and a certain amount of *nudge nudge wink wink, i seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you!!* kind of glee. I think Kripke is so tickled that his show is an underground, cult 'hit', with crazy and non-crazy fangrrls and boys, and secret communities, and it's own language and whatnot that he simply can't contain himself.

I loved that he acknowledged that some eps were kinda bad. That he made the fangrrl a *publisher*, smart and sassy and cute.

I *loved* this ep. And i totally embrace my geekery. And crow about it to friends. Hell, my SO plays MMO games and has got my daughter started on them and we just...roll around in being dorks all the time. It's *fun*.

*twirls you*

[alizarin-nyc.livejournal.com]

I haven't seen the wank, but when I watched the ep, I thought OMG THAT WAS AWESOME, followed immediately by SOME PEOPLE ARE GOING TO WANK. Because SPN fandom will never be a place of harmony. GREAT post!

Also, as it happens, my RL friends have never even heard of Supernatural. So there you go. (I'd happily explain slash to them, if they watched, tho).

[viciouswishes.livejournal.com]

See, I think there are people in love with the idea of their dirty secrets and guarding them. They like having a "dirty" secret (probably because the rest of their lives are completely uninteresting) and it gives them a thrill to be doing something underground and forbidden. Something that really is, in the long run, completely harmless.

[texanfan.livejournal.com]

I'd be hard to blackmail. I'm pretty free with everything I've done and currently do, information wise. I'm happily married, I write gay vampire porn, I'm active in my church, I like to sit naked on a beach in Jamaica, you get the idea. I do know people who are elementary or middle school teachers who have to be careful of their identity online and I feel for them for that but I don't see how they've been outed.

[essene.livejournal.com]

wOOt! *gets out Freak Flag*

When's the march on Washington?

[darkhavens.livejournal.com]

Gawd, people! Unless your name was included on a list at the end of the ep, topped by a blinking PERVERTS, I Mom and Dad and Auntie Boo aren't going to know you write slash, 'cest or not, unless you tell them, so suck it up!

And seeing as it's confession time... ;)

While Mommie Dearest was here, I spent an entire afternoon playing her all the Wincest fanvids I have saved over the years (including the ones which include graphic clips from QaF and gay porn... but only because I forgot which ones were which. ;) ). And then I played her a couple of con clips and interviews, showed her some of the wonderful J2 photos that appear every time they attend an event together, and finished up with the fact that they live together. She was entranced. :D

She's been a Jensen fangirl longer than I have (watching DOOL dubbed into French, yo!), but now she is a J²/Wincest believer, and has gone home to France determined to watch SPN no matter what the stepmonster thinks or says. She's 61 on Monday. Also 12. *g*

I explained slash to her six years ago, when I fell headfirst into Spander. She knows I write fic, has even read some of it, and totally sees the slashy potential in Spike/Xander (very pretty!), Sam/Dean (Jensen/Jared) (prettier!) and Jack/Nathan in Eureka. Sadly, SGA doesn't appeal to her (she's never been into 'sci-fi crap' *g*) so I can't share the McShep love, though she does think Joe is very cute and that David is hilarious. She wouldn't watch SGA, but I did get her to watch some of the other stuff they've done, so she'd at least know their names and faces.

(Humorous aside - she watched a really crappy movie because she thought she'd seen Joe Flanigan's name in the opening credits, but it turned out to be a Joe Flaherty. She was most disappointed. Hee!)

[dovil.livejournal.com]

Fandom: VERY SERIOUS BUZINESS!

Bwahahahahaha!

[crazydiamondsue.livejournal.com]

The fandom may change, but the batshit looks the same. When SPN fandom gets bogged down in racism, sexism, this-ism, that-ism, ism ism ism, I really miss Fairy!Spike wank/flounce.

[femmenerd.livejournal.com]

ILU, with your funniness, and your big heart.

The nice part? Neither Sam nor Dean reacted to the same-sex angle, merely to the familial one. I enjoyed that.

I thought so too!

[crazydiamondsue.livejournal.com]

See? This is why you're good people in the southern vernacular. Any reaction from your students to the meta-ep?

[lunabee34.livejournal.com]

Are you kidding me? There's wank about this episode? God's Kripke's gift to fandom on a silver coated platter? Did fandom eat the crazy pills today?

I think I need to post about this because WTF?

[lunabee34.livejournal.com]

And, I did. :)