![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Okay, since ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
dovil has been house sitting and computerless (and dealing with exotic, hereditary skin maladies), stoney321 has decided to step up with the bad!fic and has brought us the greatness of Wee!Spike, based on a thought in dovil's journal regarding Angel's fic penchant for calling Spike "Little One." If you're missing your bad!fic fix, this may be for you.
Intro to Wee!Spike This isdovil's original post, you'll have to scroll down a bit until you see Stoney's "Bad!Fic Untie" comment that heralds the creation of Wee!Spike.
Mormons, Eclairs and Wee!Spike You'll have to scroll down past the tale of marauding Mormons (or read it, it's funny) to get to the weeness.
Still Wee
Wee!Spike does Bad!Song!Fic!
ETA: Comments to this post were an "anonymous" fic written bytgray. The fic can be found in its entirety here: Two Hearts Lost
dovil has been house sitting and computerless (and dealing with exotic, hereditary skin maladies), stoney321 has decided to step up with the bad!fic and has brought us the greatness of Wee!Spike, based on a thought in dovil's journal regarding Angel's fic penchant for calling Spike "Little One." If you're missing your bad!fic fix, this may be for you. Intro to Wee!Spike This is
dovil's original post, you'll have to scroll down a bit until you see Stoney's "Bad!Fic Untie" comment that heralds the creation of Wee!Spike.Mormons, Eclairs and Wee!Spike You'll have to scroll down past the tale of marauding Mormons (or read it, it's funny) to get to the weeness.
Still Wee
Wee!Spike does Bad!Song!Fic!
ETA: Comments to this post were an "anonymous" fic written by
tgray. The fic can be found in its entirety here: Two Hearts Lost
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2004-10-17 01:26 pm (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2004-10-17 10:29 pm (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2004-10-17 01:46 pm (UTC)From:My readership is waaaay down for Wee!Spike. I don't think the world is ready for pocket-sized vamp love. But then again, Tiny Elvis is a cult classic... "Good one, Tiny E!"
no subject
Date: 2004-10-17 02:10 pm (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2004-10-17 03:17 pm (UTC)From:The world definitely needs as Wee!Spike/Puppet!Angel fic! Can't you just see it?
no subject
Date: 2004-10-17 10:29 pm (UTC)From:A little something to brighten your day
Date: 2004-10-17 08:37 pm (UTC)From: (Anonymous)As soon as he read the final cast list, he almost backed out. He recognized the name immediately. William. His William. But no, that had been a long time ago. And he wasn’t even going by that name anymore. Blond hair dye, a name change and three thousand miles between them had definitely proven to Xander that William, no, it was Spike now… wasn’t his anymore.
***************
It was now or never. Xander sighed and tried his best to look confident as he walked through the door. Cameras were placed strategically around, the set large and spectacular, taking his breath away. It was a far cry from the theater group’s small stage and setup he was used to. This was something big. He could feel it. A new beginning for him to prove to the world he was real. That he could fit in with the Hollywood crowd.
He truly believed that. Believed he belonged there, until he felt the eyes on him. Two years and he could still remember how it felt to be the center of William’s attention. That’s what he was when they were together. Part of a whole. A couple. Something he hadn’t felt since. He pushed down the lump and blinked, turning his body to face his fears and found himself staring into the burning blue eyes of his ex-lover.
Re: A little something to brighten your day
Date: 2004-10-17 10:31 pm (UTC)From:Part 2
From: (Anonymous) - Date: 2004-10-18 08:49 pm (UTC) - ExpandRe: Part 2
From:Re: Part 2
From: (Anonymous) - Date: 2004-10-18 09:31 pm (UTC) - ExpandRe: Part 2
From:no subject
Date: 2004-10-18 08:15 am (UTC)From:Truly, truly bizarre. And hey, you got a nice present from an anonymous someone! Cool!
no subject
Date: 2004-10-18 09:27 am (UTC)From:That anonymous thing rocked...who??? who????
Part 3
Date: 2004-10-19 09:32 pm (UTC)From: (Anonymous)Spike stopped, reacting to the voice that was stomping up behind him. He knew it would happen sooner or later. Xander was wearing him down, making him second-guess why he was being so cold and heartless. His hands clenched and unclenched at his sides, still facing away, but waiting. He knew he should have just kept walking, but part of him wanted to do this. Needed it.
“Fuck off, Harris.”
Xander heard him and stopped before he reached Spike. Spoken in the same low tone, the words hurt now, just as bad as they had back then. But this time would be different. This time, Spike couldn’t walk out.
“No, I won’t fuck off. We’ve been working together for two weeks! Two weeks and you won’t even acknowledge that I’m in the same room with you!”
Spike remained where he was, but Xander heard a short sigh. Maybe he was finally getting somewhere. “Spike.” When there was no answer, he tried again. “Wil.”
Spike turned around, a stern look to match the hurtful ‘fuck off’. “Don’t call me that.”
“Why? It’s who you are.”
“No. It’s who I was. And that was a long time ago.”
“Not so long…”
“Xander. Don’t do this.” He shook his head and said softly, “We can’t do this.” Spike turned and slumped against the wall, all bravado disappearing as Xander moved closer to him.
“I’m not trying to do anything, Spike. I just want…” His voice cracked with all the uncertainness he was feeling. “Look, I don’t care if we’re not friends. I don’t even care if you never want to see me again after this. I just can’t live with the thought of knowing you still hate me.”
He slowly slid his hands into his pockets and leaned back against the wall, mimicking Spike.
“You should have thought about that before you…” Spike stopped himself. He swore every day since Xander first arrived that he wasn’t going to bring it up. Wasn’t going to dwell on the past. It was hard enough just being around each other. Every smile, every lazy yawn, every accidental touch that couldn’t be avoided while working so closely together reminded him of what they’d lost. Of what he’d lost.
“I know. But whether you believe it or not, I’m sorry.”
Spike’s face snapped around in anger. “Sorry? That’s all you can say is that you’re sorry?”
“Well I am! What else do you expect me to say? What are you looking for?” Xander asked with as much emotion as he could expel.
Spike closed his eyes, tilting his head up toward the ceiling. “Why.”
“What?” Xander looked at Spike, forcing himself to stare into those blue eyes, seeing all the pain hidden behind the angry mask. He swallowed, trying to hold back the shakiness in his voice.
“That’s what’s been eating me alive for two sodding years. I left never knowing why.”
Xander shrugged, exhaling deeply. “I did it for you.”
(If the previous post was e-mailed to you...it was an illusion. You imagined it all. You did not see who this was from. Now go back to sleep) DAMN! lol
Re: Part 3
Date: 2004-10-19 09:43 pm (UTC)From:Didn't see nuthin'. That said:
OMG - what? what? He what for Spike???? I love this soooo much.
Part 4
Date: 2004-10-21 06:59 pm (UTC)From: (Anonymous)“You did it for me.”
Xander nodded.
“I come home to find you in our bed. You told me it’d been going on for two months! That you’d been fucking around on me for two fucking months and now you’re saying you did it for me.”
Xander swallowed and nodded again.
“Well that’s just fucking great, Harris. Next time, don’t do me any bloody favors.”
Spike turned, pushing off the wall and began to swagger down the hall, leaving Xander alone with his ‘I did it for you’ speech.
“Wil!”
“Sod off!” he growled, flipping two fingers at the other man behind him before he walked out the door.
Again, Xander wasn’t strong enough and let him leave.
Re: Part 4
Date: 2004-10-21 08:44 pm (UTC)From:Part 5
Date: 2004-10-22 07:43 pm (UTC)From: (Anonymous)“Shh, I know. It’s alright. Everything’ll be okay.” With sheer gentleness, Spike reached up, pushing a wet strand of hair away from the other man’s face. “You know I’ll never let anything happen to you.”
Xander wiped the tears streaming down his cheeks with the sleeve of his shirt as he stared into Spike’s compassionate eyes.
“CUT!”
The sound of the director’s voice ended the scene and Spike and Xander moved away from each other to furthest ends of the sofa. It was the fifth take they’d filmed and Xander’s emotional state was declining rapidly. He knew it would be difficult, reading through the script and realizing how the scene was supposed to play out, but he wasn’t prepared for how much it would actually hurt. Each time he had to pour his heart out and see the tortured expression on Spike’s face, it became much less acting and a lot closer to real, feeling their own situation. As he wiped his face with the warm, damp towel, he looked up, noticing Spike stealing glances at him.
The next time the director yelled ‘cut’, to Xander’s surprise, Spike didn’t move away.
Re: Part 5
Date: 2004-10-23 08:35 am (UTC)From:Re: Part 6
From: (Anonymous) - Date: 2004-10-24 10:41 pm (UTC) - ExpandRe: Part 6
From:Part 7
From: (Anonymous) - Date: 2004-10-25 09:45 pm (UTC) - ExpandRe: Part 7
From:Part 8
Date: 2004-10-31 10:02 pm (UTC)From: (Anonymous)“What?”
“You always did have a taste for the sweet stuff.”
“And you always took yours black.” Xander smiled back. “I guess that’s why you were the one who always had the six-pack abs.”
Spike let his eyes travel the length of Xander’s torso that wasn’t hidden behind the small booth table. “Back then, maybe. Now it looks like you’ve been hitting the gym.”
Xander shrugged. “Just figured I should start taking care of myself.”
Spike cocked an eyebrow. “Fairly sure you turn some heads, pet.”
A crimson blush crept over his face but Xander didn’t miss the subtle term he’d been so fond of when they were together. Pet, luv, Xan…all endearments saved exclusively for him. He traced the rim of his coffee cup and pondered how many others since then had enjoyed his nicknames.
Spike noticed the shift in mood and began fidgeting with the empty packets lying on the table. They both looked up at the same time, catching each other’s gaze. Both had questions and both were afraid to ask.
A blink later, Xander gained the courage. After all, there was a time he could have told this man anything. This was still William, no matter what had happened between them. “I’m sorry if my being here makes you uncomfortable.”
This time, it was Spike who shrugged. “I asked you for coffee, remember?”
He shook his head. “You know I’m not talking about the fucking coffee. I’m talking about me showing up in your life, feeling like…I don’t even know how I feel about it.”
Blue eyes looked up, lost and uncertain. “What happened to us, Xan? I thought we were happy. Until that day, I thought you were happy. Why’d you…were you just pretending to want me?”
All the pain came flooding to the surface. If Spike had only known how it had killed Xander to watch him walk out the door. To let him go when all he really wanted to do was beg him to stay. But he couldn’t, because it wouldn’t have been fair. Not to someone as energetic and full of life as his lover had been.
So here they were, two years later and Xander decided again that a lie was better then the truth. “I was afraid.”
Re: Part 8
Date: 2004-11-01 06:46 am (UTC)From:What's Xander secret? Why is he still lying? It's bad, isn't it? Am I going to cry?
More!!!! Please!!!!
Part 9
Date: 2004-11-01 07:25 pm (UTC)From: (Anonymous)“To spend the rest of my life with someone? Forever? I guess I got cold feet. I was just too stupid to talk to you about it.” It sounded like a good a story as any and Xander was hoping Spike would buy it.
“Forever was the bloody point. I thought its what you wanted! One week later and we would have been in Hawaii, properly committed, ‘til death do us part. Instead, I find you shagging that nancy-boy Aaron, Adam, whatever the bloody fuck his name was when we should have been packing our sodding suitcases!”
“Andrew.” His eyes were focused on the table, too ashamed to meet Spike’s.
Spike shook his head and picked up his cigarettes, tapping one out, letting Xander see the shakiness as he tried to light it. “Right. Andrew,” he repeated venomously.
Xander waited. He watched while Spike smoked, knowing the cigarette would calm him and then finally said, “It didn’t mean anything.”
The heated look Xander received could have melted metal. “Oh yeah, he was just the bloke you’d been shagging behind my back. The reason you threw away an entire bloody year.”
“Wil.”
“Unless, maybe you were talking about me…or us. Is that it, Xander? What we had didn’t mean anything to you?”
Xander’s eyes widened. “God, no! How could you even… of course you meant something! You were everything!”
“Funny way of showin’ it, mate.”
“I just… really screwed it up, didn’t I?” Xander asked with a sigh. “Didn’t know what I was doing.”
“Guess it doesn’t much matter now. Two years is a long time. Nearly forgotten about it before you showed up,” Spike lied.
Xander nodded. “I’m glad things are good for you, Spike.” He gave a half smile, not at all how he was really feeling. “Spike.” He let it slip off his tongue. “That still sounds weird.”
“But it was Spike that got me my first role. Not William.”
“Yeah. I know.”
The blond head tilted.
“I saw it,” Xander answered, staring into his coffee cup. “Actually,” he looked up, “I’ve seen ‘em all.”
With a raise of the eyebrow, Spike smiled.
“Everything except this one. I really didn’t know you were gonna be here.”
“Would you’ve taken the part if you’d known?”
Xander contemplated for a moment and then smiled. “I didn’t think so at first, but yeah,” he nodded, “I’m glad I did. At least for the chance to say I screwed up. And maybe for a chance to win your friendship back?”
“You don’t have to win anything, Harris. As bad as it was after…” Spike sighed and then took another deep breath. “Not being there was harder.”
“I never would’ve imagined my life without you, and you know what?”
Spike shrugged and Xander answered.
“It pretty much sucked.”
Re: Part 9
Date: 2004-11-02 07:42 am (UTC)From:Spike shrugged and Xander answered.
“It pretty much sucked.”
Sob! Want pretty boys happy and together! But good angstiness (I wish that was a word.) Loving this sooo much!
Part 10
Date: 2004-11-02 09:01 pm (UTC)From: (Anonymous)Xander watched, cradling his pool cue as Spike sunk the last ball on the table for the third time in a row. When the blond head rose up, smirk planted firmly in place, Xander caught the glimmer of familiarity in the blue eyes. This was the person he’d known back then, when they were just starting out as friends. Before the relationship, before they became lovers, before they decided to spend the rest of their lives together, before… When everything was still right in the world.
“Fuck.”
“That’s three beers you owe me, Harris. Ready to quit embarrassing yourself yet?”
Xander answered with a shake of the head. “Just getting warmed up.”
“That was your excuse two racks ago. I think it’s time you just admit I’m better and cut your losses.”
Xander’s pout went unnoticed as Spike picked up his mug and downed the last of its contents. Taking Spike’s advice, Xander placed the cue in the rack on the wall and sat down on a stool in the corner. Spike joined him, motioning to the waitress, leaning over the table inches away from Xander. “It’s alright. She gives it to me for free anyway.”
They’d been spending time together in the two weeks since their talk at the coffeehouse. Rekindling a lost friendship, both easing back into the comfort of being around each other without any expectations. The past was left behind, each content to trade the old memories for newer, less painful ones.
“How is it that you can come in here and no one bothers you? Not a single picture? Autograph?”
With a shrug of his shoulders, Spike passed it off. “Used to me. Been thrown outta here more times than I can count. Just another bloke as far as they’re concerned.”
Xander smiled. “Is it hard?”
“What?”
“All the fans… always wanting something from you. Expecting… things.”
The smirk fell in place again as Spike reached for a cigarette. “Things, Harris?”
“You know, expecting you to…unless…” He couldn’t say it, instead stopping short and hoping Spike would finish for him.
“You tryin’ to ask me if I shag ‘em?”
Xander had the decency to look ashamed, but nodded anyway.
Re: Part 10
Date: 2004-11-03 08:53 am (UTC)From:Yeah, I wanna know, too!!! I'm really excited at where this is going, and finding about what happened in the past. Love that you went back and acknowledged how they buiit a friendship. I needed this. Badly.
Part 11
Date: 2004-11-08 08:06 pm (UTC)From: (Anonymous)Every night for three weeks, Xander and Spike would either leave the studio together or meet up shortly afterward. They’d usually grab a burger and end up at one of the local bars, shooting pool and drinking their fill. Tonight, though, Spike had different plans.
“Oh, C’mon. I come here all the time.” He scaled the wall and made it over the wooden fence, landing with a thud on the other side.
Xander cautiously did the same and wound up eating dirt as he tumbled over. Choking and coughing, he heard Spike laughing behind him, even as a hand was held out to help him up. Brushing off his jeans, Xander finally took notice of where they were.
“Wow. This place is…”
“Incredible. I know.”
Xander glanced around in amazement at the show of forgotten antiques. “What is this place?”
“A graveyard, of sorts,” Spike answered, moving forward deeper into the fenced in area. “Old cars, mostly antiques… abandoned and forgotten.” He ran his hand along the hood of a black business coupe, stripped down inside, left mostly intact outside.
“God, they’re beautiful.” Xander smiled, following Spike through the masses of deserted vehicles.
“I thought you’d enjoy this.” Spike stopped and leaned against a blue and white ’56 Chevy to light a cigarette. “I remember your passion for old cars.”
“I can’t believe they’re just sitting here!”
“People move on. Newer, better…faster.” Spike began walking again, leaving Xander to follow behind him. “In fact…” He reached his destination and jumped up to sit on the hood.
Xander’s eyes widened. “It’s your car! You brought the Desoto here?”
Spike shrugged. “Seemed the proper place. She was old, was costing me a small fortune to keep ‘er runnin’.”
“But, the Desoto. She was your baby.” Xander let his hand run along the edge of the front bumper and then stepped up, joining Spike to lie back against the windshield.
“Me and her… had some memories, that’s for sure.”
Xander chuckled and moved his hands to rest behind his head. “I remember making a few memories of our own.”
Spike grinned and flicked the finished cigarette to the ground. “Shagged you for the first time in this bloody car.” He shook his head and closed his eyes, taking a long, deep breath. “If the back seat could tell stories…”
A giggle came from beside him. “We’d probably be arrested.”
A smile ghosted on Spike’s lips and then slowly died. “Yeah, well. She’s just a heap of junk now. Like I said, people move on. Got myself a better model.” He stared up, gazing at the clear sky and stars above them.
The silence between them became uncomfortable as they both sought out their own thoughts. After a deep sigh, Xander cleared his throat, trying to find the place they’d made it to where the pain wasn’t so deep. “So, you come here often?” He chuckled at the cliché, trying to lighten the mood.
Spike’s thoughts didn’t budge. “Sometimes, when I want to think. And remember.”
“Don’t…” Xander pleaded.
“Do you ever think about us at all? Wonder what it would have been like? Because I do. I said I’d gotten over it, over you. But that’s impossible.” He sat up, turning his body to face Xander’s. “I think about you all the bloody time, Xan. You’re inside me. You broke my heart and then kept all the pieces so no one else would ever have a chance.”
“Wil…”
“When you showed up, I was furious. Couldn’t stand the thought that I might see you with someone else. With him.” He reached out, taking a chance and ran his finger along Xander’s cheek. “I wouldn’t have been able to handle that a second time.”
Xander blinked and took in the smell of the leather Spike was wearing as he moved closer toward him. “I was afraid of the same thing. That I’d see you with someone,” he whispered.
Spike bit his lower lip and moved even closer, his mouth hovering against Xander’s. “Why don’t we make this right, pet?” Slowly, he brushed the lips he’d dreamt about for two years, lingering, until Xander began to kiss him back.
Re: Part 11
Date: 2004-11-08 08:24 pm (UTC)From:God...that hurt me. And the car graveyard! That was a beautiful setting, so painful, things broken, not needed anymore. And that kiss!!!! Part 12 will be up later tonight, right? *g*
Part 12
Date: 2004-11-08 10:24 pm (UTC)From: (Anonymous)Xander let his fingers wander, reaching inside the leather duster to grip Spike’s shoulders. Slowly, he slid the coat down Spike’s arms until it was discarded beside them on the other side of the hood.
“Never thought I’d feel you again. Kiss you…” Xander’s voice tapered off as Spike dove in again, his tongue circling the inside of Xander’s mouth. Another kiss, deeper and more forceful caused both men to moan.
As Spike’s knee moved upward, applying pressure, rubbing firmly against Xander’s groin, he felt hands underneath his shirt, fingernails lightly scratching along his spine. Spike groaned against Xander’s lips and changed position, sliding his free leg inside to meet the other. He placed his hands on either side of Xander’s head and lifted his upper body so the only part touching were their hips. He began rocking, sliding denim against denim, moaning each time he felt the growing bulge meet his own.
“Did you miss this, Xan? I can feel how hard you are. Feel your cock pushing against me…”
“Auhhh, Wil. You feel so, oh that’s so good.” He pushed his head up, trying to lock onto the kiss bruised lips as he began thrusting his hips in time with Spike’s.
“That’s it, pet. Rock against me,” he said, his voice low and seductive, barely a purr in Xander’s ear. “Almost as good as when you’re inside me.” He let his teeth scrape the sensitive lobe and added, “or you could just fuck me.”
Xander heard the word and his body froze. Panic took hold and he began pushing Spike away.
“No. We can’t… I can’t do this. I’m sorry. God, I’m sorry, I just… I just can’t.” He chanced a look into Spike’s eyes and saw the confusion mixed with lingering desire. Desire for him. He blinked so he would have to see the look and slid from the hood of the car. “We should never have… we shouldn’t have done this.”
Spike was still in shocked confusion, watching as Xander began moving away from him. “Xander?”
“I’ve gotta… I’m gonna go. Okay? I can make it to my car and I’ll just… I’ll see you tomorrow.” He wasn’t waiting for an answer, already moving quickly to the front of the junkyard.
“Xander! Wait!”
Xander ignored him and disappeared.
Re: Part 12
Date: 2004-11-09 05:53 am (UTC)From:Just thought you'd like to know that
Right now, however, I have one question: Is Xander insane???
Can't wait for more!
Re: Part 12
From:Part 13
Date: 2004-11-10 09:52 am (UTC)From: (Anonymous)He took another swallow from the bottle cradled between his legs and turned the television’s sound up louder to drown out the voices in his head.
Re: Part 13
Date: 2004-11-10 05:49 pm (UTC)From:Oh, poor hurt Xander - what's he afraid of? Why did he change his mind about committing to Spike? Why'd he cheat? Why'd he say no to shagging on the De Soto???
Enough questions? :) Write some more and I'll shut up...love you for this, oh anonymous Spander goddess...
Re: Part 13
From:Part 14
Date: 2004-11-11 08:11 pm (UTC)From: (Anonymous)The director, looking more than a little perturbed waved his hand toward the open set. “Not here. Had three scenes to shoot today, too.”
“What, he didn’t show up?”
The other man shrugged. “Sick. Or so he told Jennifer.”
Spike’s brow rose and he turned his head to find Xander’s assistant. “Look, I don’t think there’s much I can do around here. Mind if I take off?”
“Pfft. Might as well. The day’s a wash. Just show up tomorrow morning ready to get back on schedule.”
Within a few minutes, Spike had managed to finagle an address and was on his way to find out what exactly what the hell was going on with Xander.
He pulled up to the small hotel, hardly believing Xander would actually be staying at a place like this until he saw the blue Trailblazer in the parking lot.
Walking along the rooms until he found the number Jennifer had given him, he stood for a minute debating before finally knocking on the door. There was no answer, but the sound of the blaring television told him Xander was there. He closed his fist and banged louder and more persistant. Finally, footsteps padded toward him and the door flung open.
Spike stared. Xander stared. Turning away, Xander left the door open and retreated into the small room. Beer in hand, he flopped onto the bed, leaned back on the headboard and divulged his attention toward the tv.
Spike wearily walked in, closing the door behind him and noticed the room in full detail. Empty bottles filled the trashcan until it overflowed, leaving the remaining ones to lie where they landed on the floor.
“You look like hell.”
Xander held up the bottle in toast fashion and took a healthy swig. “Looks are deceiving.”
“You’re drunk.”
“Very perceptive.”
Spike shook his head and moved closer to the bed. “You stink.”
Xander lifted his arm and took a small whiff. “And your point would be?”
Without answering, Spike took a cigarette from the pack in his pocket and slid it between his lips.
“No smoking in here.”
He sighed and slipped it back into his pocket.
Xander’s gaze fell on his bottle. “It’s funny. Even after you left, I used to always sit in the smoking section. I guess it was just out of habit.” He glanced at Spike with saddened eyes. “And then I just kind of… stopped.”
“You wanna tell me what’s going on, Harris?”
He waited and watched as a frown appeared on Xander’s lips. “I made it up. All of it. Everything about Andrew."
"What are you on about?"
"I'm trying to tell you I never fucked around on you." Xander hesitated and his voice softened into a whisper. "Not until that day.”
Re: Part 14
Date: 2004-11-11 08:44 pm (UTC)From:God, that's so freaking *real*. I can't tell you how much I look forward to updates of this...I'm hooked! And dying to hear Xander's explanation! *smooches anonymous LJ Spander love bringer*
Part 15
Date: 2004-11-13 10:23 pm (UTC)From: (Anonymous)Xander shrugged. “I told you what you needed to hear.”
Spikes eyes narrowed. “What the buggering hell’s that supposed to mean?”
Xander calmly took another drink, tipping the bottle to finish it and then threw it beside the trashcan with the others. “I knew you’d forgive me if it was only once.” He chanced a look at Spike through eyes that held too many sad secrets. “I didn’t want you to forgive me. I told you what I had to, to make you leave.”
Silence enveloped them, Spike trying to comprehend what Xander was saying, Xander holding his breath, waiting for Spike to say something… anything. When nothing came, he moved, stumbling as he made his way to the extra bed. Slowly lowering himself down onto his knees on the floor directly in front of Spike, his hands slid to the sides of leather-covered thighs. As the first of many tears began to trickle, he turned his head sideways and placed it in Spike’s lap.
He sniffed and tried to talk, but his voice came out weak and shaky. “It killed me, watching you leave. It was the hardest fucking thing I’ve ever had to do.”
Spike took a few deep breaths, trying to keep it together while watching Xander loose his composure. He moved his hands, placing one on each side of the tear streaked cheeks and turned Xander’s head upward. He stared into those saddened eyes, blinking back his own emotions that were trying to break free. “I loved you, Xan. Just tell me... Why the lies?”
Xander closed his eyes, trying to hide from seeing the hurt.
“No. Open your eyes and look at me. Look at me and tell me why.”
“Wil…”
“No more excuses, Xander.”
More tears fell from Xander’s lids. He moved closer, easing his hands around to meet behind Spike’s back, gripping tight while trying to pull the other man toward him. “I love you. I’ve never stopped loving you. I just didn’t… I had to let you go. I didn’t want…”
Spike urged him on, his arms snaking around to rub circles against Xander’s back, shushing and trying to calm him. “I know. You were scared. You said that.”
“No. It was easier to tell you that, too.” His body shook, small tremors trying to subside as he finally opened up. “It was easier than trying to protect you. Trying to keep you from having to see…” He stopped, swallowing down the lump in his throat when he realized he couldn’t say it.
“See what, pet? Protect me from what?”
Xander’s hands squeezed harder against Spike’s back and he felt the arms around him take a stronger hold. “From me. I couldn’t take a chance, could never forgive myself…”
Panic rose inside Spike’s chest. An endless array of possibilities flashed through his mind and he stomped on all of them. Through gritted teeth, he managed, “Just say it.”
“I’m positive, Wil.” His head hung low, shading his eyes from Spike’s view. Barely audible, he repeated, “I tested positive.”
Re: Part 15
Date: 2004-11-13 10:40 pm (UTC)From:Slowly lowering himself down onto his knees on the floor directly in front of Spike, his hands slid to the sides of leather-covered thighs. As the first of many tears began to trickle, he turned his head sideways and placed it in Spike’s lap.
That was such a beautifully sad moment and I could see it so clearly. I wondered if this might be the reason Xander had pushed him away, and now reading it, it just tore me up. I can't wait to read Spike's reaction. ::quiver::
Part 16
Date: 2004-11-16 10:03 am (UTC)From: (Anonymous)“You can’t be.”
Xander let go of Spike and moved from the vulnerable position. He eased backward until his back rested against the other bed, wrapping his hands around his knees.
“Can’t?”
“Or, are you… how? How is it possible? If you didn’t cheat…”
“I didn’t. Ever.”
“Then how?”
Xander shrugged. “It had to be someone… before.”
“But how could you not know? All that time? We were together for a bloody year.”
“I know. I’ve been through it all.” Xander’s leaned his head forward, running his hands through grungy, unwashed hair and then let them rest on the back of his neck. “You were the one always worried about getting checked. So worried about being safe.”
“Xan…”
“I was so fucking stupid. Never went with you.” His voice carried on in a whisper. “Each time they said you were okay, I figured I was too.”
He finally looked up to see Spike staring down at him, his own tears wetting his cheeks.
“Remember that cold I got right before… the one I just couldn’t seem to shake?”
Spike nodded. Xander had been sick with the flu for three weeks straight with Spike shoving every over-the-counter medicine he could get his hands on down his lover’s throat. He had vowed to make him well, knowing their trip was fast approaching and telling Xander he wasn’t having a honeymoon with a sniffling, sneezing, walking Niquil commercial.
“I finally went to the doctor thinking I could get something stronger, you know?”
Spike nodded again.
“He said he didn’t like the way it was lingering. Asked me if I had any history of immune deficiencies, or anything…”
Spike’s body tensed at the thought again. Xander. Positive.
“I think he was trying to hint without actually saying it. I told him no but that I hadn’t been tested… recently.”
Xander glanced up again to see Spike’s hands shaking as he tried to light a cigarette. He was about to remind him of the No Smoking rule again but then shrugged and continued his story. “He said I could have been infected for a few years without any symptoms.”
Spike wiped at the tears with the back of one hand, while holding his burning cigarette in the other. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I couldn’t. I couldn’t stand the thought of you having to deal with it.”
Spike’s face took on a whole new look. He was angry and he wasn’t going to hide it.
Re: Part 16
Date: 2004-11-16 10:58 am (UTC)From:“I was so fucking stupid. Never went with you.” His voice carried on in a whisper. “Each time they said you were okay, I figured I was too.”
That's just...I could see it, it was so vivid. Love this!!!
Part 17
Date: 2004-11-16 06:49 pm (UTC)From: (Anonymous)“You selfish sod.”
Xander’s head snapped upward, a look of confusion mixed with a frown on his lips. “What? I wasn’t being selfish! I was thinking about you!”
“Took the easy way out, didn’t you? Went out, found some little twinkie to fuck? Bet you planned it just right, too. Knew I’d find you there, in our bed.”
“Spike…”
“No. I think I hit the nail right on the head, didn’t I?! You couldn’t handle it so you made sure I wasn’t around to see what a sodding idiot you were!”
“Shut the fuck up. You don’t know anything!”
Spike laughed. An evil, angered, full of emotion chuckle. “No! I don’t know anything! Because you kept me in the dark and pushed me away!”
Xander was up off the floor and facing down Spike before he had a chance to say anything else. “I pushed you away because I didn’t want you to always worry about fucking me! I know you! You would have said it didn’t matter, but deep down, you’d be terrified. Always wondering, always afraid. Do I have it, will I get it. Is this gonna be the time…I may have to live with this fucking disease, but that doesn’t mean you do!”
Spike stepped in, closing the distance until they were nose to nose. “You didn’t have the right to make that choice!”
“I wasn’t going to let you stay with me out of some stupid sense of loyalty!”
“Loyalty?! You think I would have stayed because of loyalty!?” Spike grit his teeth and shook his head, trying to push his anger down so he could think rationally. “Try love. That’s what you do when you love someone. You stick it through even when life throws a big pile of shit at you.”
“Well this is more than a pile of shit. This is a fucking manure truck.”
Spike blinked at Xander’s sense of humor. He couldn’t help it and found his arms wrapping around Xander’s waist, pulling him in. As angry and hurt as he was, he knew what Xander was going through was magnified ten fold. “How could you possibly think I wouldn’t want to be with you?”
Xander closed his eyes and let his head tilt to rest on Spike’s shoulder. “You say that now. But what about if I’m sick? Or worse? I’ve spent the last two years exercising, eating right, popping meds… doing everything I can to be healthy. It’s not always gonna be this way.”
Spike moved his hand to the back of Xander’s neck, playing with the dark curls. “What about love?”
“What about it? There are always guys around who want to fuck. I’m always up front. Tell ‘em exactly how it is.”
“I wasn’t talking about fucking.”
“I know.”
“So you’ll risk some anonymous stranger, but you pushed me away?”
Xander sighed. “I don’t care about them. I know that may sound cold, but I let them know. If they don’t care, I don’t care. With you, things are different.”
“That should be my choice, pet. You had no right to take it away from me.”
“I couldn’t live with myself if anything happened. All it takes is just one time.”
“You’re worth the risk, Xander. If I’d known the truth, I never would have left.”
Re: Part 17
Date: 2004-11-17 12:06 pm (UTC)From:Re: Part 17
From:Re: Part 17
From:Re: Part 17
From:Re: Part 17
From:Part 19
Date: 2004-11-19 10:37 pm (UTC)From: (Anonymous)Spike casually eased his way over to the rumpled bed and sat down. He listened for the sound of the running shower through the paper-thin walls and when satisfied he wouldn’t be interrupted, he reached for the black, leather wallet sitting on the nightstand. His fingers lightly traced the initials etched into the small, silver plate. ALH. Alexander Lavelle Harris. Spike closed his eyes and began to reminisce.
“What are we doing here?”
He grabbed Xander’s hand and dragged him inside, grinning from ear to ear like a child in a toy store.
“Shopping, pet. Need a new wallet, don’t you?”
Xander gave a frightened look of shock and clutched the object resting inside his back pocket. “Nothing wrong with the one I got!”
“That ratty old worn out thing?”
“It’s not old,” Xander defended. “Just… broken in.”
Spike rolled his eyes and began walking toward the glassed in display cabinet. “C’mon, Xan.”
“Mmm. Don’t you love that smell?” Xander let go of Spike, trying to change the subject and turned to bury his nose into the heady scent of leather.
With a sigh, Spike gazed around the large shop, eyeing several employees oblivious to their presence. His grin turned predator, the wallet forgotten as he pushed Xander further into the corner against an assortment of soft, leather coats. “Like the feel of it,” he purred, wrapping Xander inside a long, black duster hanging on a rack against the wall. He leaned into the larger body, trapping him with nowhere to escape. “Can imagine lying you down, naked except for the leather against your skin.”
Xander half moaned at the feel of Spike’s weight pushing against him, aware of how very public this public place was. “People. People here,” he warned shifting his eyes across the room.
“Don’t care.” For the first time displayed out in the open, his lips met Xander’s and pressed softly, his hands snaking their way under the coat to wrap around his lover’s back. Spike closed his eyes and let out a low, breathless moan. “Want me to buy a coat like this? Lay you down, wrap you up and fuck you against the smell of new leather?”
Ignoring the onlookers now tentative on watching the couple making out in public view, Xander gripped him, his fingers wrapping tightly around sandy brown curls, forcing a deeper kiss. “I think you need to take me home now.”
Barely able to wait out the anticipation, they walked out with their purchases of one shiny new wallet for Xander and a garment bag that was home to Spike’s new knee length, black leather duster.
Spike rubbed at the worn material between his fingers, glanced at the closed bathroom door and unsnapped the wallet. He blinked and inhaled a quick breath when he saw the picture on display where an ID should have been. He slowly slid the photograph out, gripping it with both hands as he focused on the familiar faces.
“I never could bring myself to get rid of it.” Spike glanced up and saw Xander watching him, arms crossed, leaning against the frame of the bathroom door. Realizing he hadn’t heard the water being turned off, he shifted his eyes back to the picture. “Surprised you kept it.”
Xander shrugged. “I take it out and look at it sometimes.” He took a few steps closer until he reached the bed and sat down next to Spike. He let his eyes wander to the picture of himself with an earlier version of William and whispered, “It reminds me that I was happy once.”
Re: Part 19
Date: 2004-11-19 11:30 pm (UTC)From:*cough*choke*wheeze*brain-gasm* Yeah, that, uh, might be one of my kinks.
LOVED the flashback. Needed it. Perfect moment. And that last line...I'm enough woman to say there might have been tears. Gaaaahhhh! Need more!
Re: Part 19
From:Re: Part 19
From:Re: Part 19
From: (Anonymous) - Date: 2004-11-21 02:24 pm (UTC) - ExpandThe real part 19
Date: 2004-11-24 04:11 pm (UTC)From: (Anonymous)Xander’s hand wandered upward, reaching for Spike’s. He entwined their fingers and closed his eyes, turning his head further into the touch. “Not possible.”
Their eyes met and all it took was a look between them before they were kissing. Kissing deep and hard, making up for two years of lost time and bitter memories. Spike pushed, urging Xander to lie back and moved his body half-on, half-off of him, still lost in kisses sweeter than anything he could remember. His hand wandered, tracing the outline of a hard-worked chest, past equally hard abs, to slide Xander’s shirt up slightly. He circled the dark line of hair that disappeared underneath the gray sweatpants, before moving down further to rub his hand firmly over the tented material. Tracing the outline, he moaned and shifted his weight, pressing his own swollen cock against Xander’s hip.
With his palm flat, he rubbed the length, bringing Xander’s erection to full hardness until the tip pushed against the top of his sweats. Spike slid his fingers to the waistband tried to push inside when Xander’s fingers wrapped around his wrist. “No.”
Spike flinched and pulled away, his face contorted into a look of fear. Fear that he’d done something wrong. Xander’s other hand curled around the back of Spike’s neck, pulling him in for another kiss as he shifted their bodies. With Spike now on bottom, Xander hovered above, licking a path down the side of his neck, scooting his body as he moved to Spike’s chest. “You smell so fucking good.” Raising the t-shirt to be able to reach the desired area, he licked first one nipple and then the other, smiling when Spike arched his back and began mumbling words of encouragement under his breath.
*** ***
“That’s it. Right there.” Spike thrust forward, his back arching off the bed, trying to bury himself further inside the warmth. He let out a sudden gasp when he felt the tip of his cock rub against the back of Xander’s throat and felt just the right amount of pressure as Xander swallowed around him. His breath hitched when Xander’s tongue traced along the underside, running over the sensitive throbbing vein and then stopped short to dip into the slit, gathering the leaking wetness. When he was engulfed again, his entire cock buried deep inside Xander’s mouth, Spike threaded his fingers tightly through the brown, mussed hair and set a steady rhythm, fucking at a slow, pleasurable pace.
“Don’t stop… almost there, pet.” Murmured breathlessly between harsh gasps, Spike’s stomach muscles began to spasm under Xander’s fingers. “Gonna come!” With a final thrust, Spike flooded Xander’s mouth, watching as his throat reflexively swallowed every drop.
Xander eased his body back up next to Spike’s, locking onto his lips, his tongue diving deep inside. When the kiss ended, Spike’s raised his hand, cupping Xander’s cheek. “You didn’t have to….”
Xander shook his head. “I’ve been wanting to do that since the day I first walked onto the set and saw you.”
Spike smiled and dropped his hand, reaching for Xander’s cock, still bobbing stiffly between them. “My turn to take care of you.”
Xander hastily pushed him off and swung his legs over the side of the bed to sit up. “It’s alright Spike. There’s plenty of time. Let’s just take it slow, okay?”
Re: The real part 19
Date: 2004-11-24 06:43 pm (UTC)From:Re: The real part 19
From:no subject
Date: 2004-11-28 10:46 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2004-11-29 08:24 am (UTC)From:Part 20
Date: 2004-11-28 11:29 am (UTC)From: (Anonymous)He gathered the cold water into his hands, splashing his face and then ran his wet fingers through his hair. Why did he do this to himself? Why didn’t he leave when he saw Spike’s name on the roster? If he’d been smart, he could have avoided the entire situation. Instead, he fell back into the same old feelings, which ended up giving Spike hope. Hope that would be shattered as soon as Xander made him realize that they’d been wrong. That it was a mistake. One that could never happen again.
For the next three days, Xander pretended as if nothing had happened. He tried to forget that they had kissed and touched and felt the connection that had always been so easy between them. He especially didn’t think about the look on Spike’s face, the passion and love when Xander took him between his lips. That Spike had called his name when he came. And that was the stupidity in a nutshell.
His stupidity in his lack of resistance, of common sense when he was around the other man. Might as well have just taken Spike’s ass. Condom be damned because what he’d done was just as dangerous. He’d been lost in it, wrapped around the sight, the taste and feel of a fantasy. A dream he’d lost where he was normal and could do normal things with his normal boyfriend. Where for once, he didn’t have to wear a double layer of rubber that made it almost not worth the effort in the first place.
Almost, because he’d had that, too. The feel of arms around him, hands gripping tight even if it was just to make it easier for them to fuck him, was better than being alone. There’d been countless men, nameless faces after William had left. Until Xander wised up, pulled himself out of the gutter of self pity and realized his selfishness would be the death of some unsuspecting fool.
From then on, he was careful, looking for someone only occasionally to fill the void, using two condoms and never letting them touch or be touched, even if it was just to have the ill-illusioned security of thinking he could avoid subjecting them to the same fate he was stuck with.
But then there was Spike. The one man who made him hate that he couldn’t have it all. That made him want to take chances against the odds. He’d looked into the blue eyes that held so many shared memories and experiences and his selfishness returned. He wanted Spike all or nothing and didn’t think he could handle settling for halfway.
So Xander put on a show of bravado and resorted back to the old standby that always seemed to work for him. Avoidance. When Spike asked to catch a movie together, Xander was unavailable. When Spike suggested a game of billiards, Xander was feeling sick and needed a good night’s sleep. When Spike invited him back to his apartment, he sighed uncomfortably, wanting nothing more than to give in and go with him, but he resisted, making another of a hundred excuses.
Re: Part 20
Date: 2004-11-28 03:15 pm (UTC)From:Part 21a
Date: 2004-11-28 09:10 pm (UTC)From: (Anonymous)He hesitated, but then continued to pass by when he noticed Spike leaning against a brick wall, smoking a cigarette. Xander had taken a back entrance from the studio, purposely hoping to avoid Spike, along with the conversation that he didn’t want to have. He kept walking, hands in his pockets, eyes down, completely deflated. It was difficult enough having to see Spike all day, every day, but outside, without the made-up characters and fake scripts carefully laying out every word for him, he didn’t know what to say. Without someone else’s writing, he didn’t know how to act. He was afraid to face him. But most of all, he was afraid of giving in.
When he heard the sound of boots on the pavement and realized he was being followed, he finally gave up and stopped, his eyes still cast downward. “How what’s gonna be?”
Spike moved in front of him, making sure to obstruct his path. The used cigarette was flicked to the ground and Xander caught a halfway glimpse of the clenched jaw line when he chanced a small glance upward.
“This thing. Between you and me. Gonna act like it didn’t happen then.”
And the question was answered when Xander’s head rose, trying to back up his words with a deadpan look in his eyes. “There is no you and me, Spike. Hasn’t been for a long time.”
Spike’s head tilted in a way that made Xander’s heart begin to pound, as if he was actually contemplating, trying to accept it. But then- “I was there. I felt it, same as you.”
“It wasn’t real. Nothing but nostalgia. You were looking at that god damn picture and…”
“Bollocks!” Spike moved in, his eyes slanted to slits, his voice teetering on the edge of anger. “I’ve let you have your excuses. But now… I don’t know what bloody game you’re playing, but that fucking picture had nothing to do with what happened.”
Xander’s voice rose, “And what happened, Spike?! Huh?” When he didn’t answer right away, Xander took his chance to dig. “I blew you. Big fucking deal! I was drinking, I was horny and I sucked your dick. End of story.”
He shoved his way around Spike and started walking again; even knowing he had no chance of getting away that easy. Sometimes, an argument won was all in the attitude. He made it four steps before Spike grabbed his arm and pulled him back around.
“Uh-uh, pet. Not getting rid of me so easy this time. You’re gonna spill what’s going on in that addle-minded little brain of yours and you and me are gonna have a conversation.”
Xander grit his teeth and tensed, rubbing at his arm when Spike finally let go.
“You don’t want to have this conversation, Spike. But, let me see if I can tell you what you do want.” Xander bit his lip and sighed, exhaling deeply. “You wanna turn back the clock and pick up where we were two years ago. Right?! You wanna reminisce and walk down memory lane and act like nothing’s changed. Well sorry to tell ya, pal. Things have changed! And there’s nothing you can say or do to make it anything other than what it is.”
Spike’s arms crossed and he shifted his weight from his right to his left foot. “ And what is it exactly? Enlighten me.”
Xander shook his head. “Does it even mean anything to you?! Don’t you get it! I am positive! I have HIV! Any fluid inside my body can fucking kill you! What part of this don’t you understand?!”
Spike’s expression turned sour as he stepped closer, pushing into Xander’s space. “The part where I’m supposed to let that scare me off. Where you say AIDS and I’m supposed to haul my ass in the other direction. Is that the answer you’re looking for?”
Xander nodded smugly. “Yeah. If you were smart.”
Part 21b
Date: 2004-11-28 09:11 pm (UTC)From: (Anonymous)Xander’s forehead rippled, his face scrunching in confusion. “Excuse me?”
“Oh, don’t play bloody stupid with me. You’re forgetting something. I. Know. You. I know everything about you. You’re trying to drive everyone away so you won’t be an inconvenience, right? Protecting everyone? Especially me.”
“Wil…”
“No. When’s the last time you talked to your chums? Buffy? Willow? Do they even know?”
Xander’s eyes found the ground. “They wouldn’t understand.”
“Ah. As I thought. Kind of the same way I wouldn’t understand?”
Xander nodded without looking up.
“Wrench in your little scenario, luv. I do understand. And as much as you don’t like it, I’m not leaving. You pushed me away before because I was a buggering idiot. Not gonna happen again.”
“Spike…”
“I’m not stupid. I know the risks. Won’t pretend it’ll be a walk in the park. But damn it, Xander… I love you. Can’t you see that?”
Xander blinked and everything seemed to move in slow motion. As he slowly looked up, Spike’s arms were around him, holding him, whispering that he wasn’t alone. He pulled away, just enough to be able to see Spike’s face. “That’s why I don’t trust myself with you. I forget.”
“Forgetting’s what you need, pet. And I’ll remind you when it’s necessary, right?”
“But you didn’t! The other day, I sucked you off, Spike. I sucked you off and you didn’t stop me! Don’t you realize???”
“Yes,” he answered harshly. He exhaled slowly and leaned in closer. “But not again. Okay? We were both weak, but now we know. We’ll help each other.”
“It won’t be the same. What you’ll have to learn to live with? The sex… A blowjob with a condom…”
“Will be just as good knowing you’re the one giving it, pet. Not something you need to worry about.”
“But what if…”
“Xander.” Spike snapped at him to get his full attention. “It’s not just about fucking. I can fuck anyone. It’s about wanting to be with you.”
Xander closed his eyes and leaned their foreheads together.
“So what do you say?” Spike asked softly. “Is there a you and me?”
Re: Part 21b
Date: 2004-11-28 10:06 pm (UTC)From:And I love this, I keep getting all teary and emotional. It's so very lovely and hanging on the edge of the chair-y.
Re: Part 21b
From:the whole thing... so far
Date: 2004-11-29 12:18 pm (UTC)From:*