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Here's the conclusion, and I apologize to anyone who has had BNL's "It's All Been Done" stuck in their head while reading this.
Title: It's All Been Done
Pairing: Spike/Xander, Buffy/Angel
Rating: R for language and utter snarkiness
Notes: Humor, loving snark on both canon and fanon, post "Chosen"
Previous chapters: here
Part Seven
Buffy won the foot-race with Angel and Spike and got to be the one to kick open the door of the Bronze with an epic flourish. With the vampires flanking her, Buffy marched up to the stage, the spotlights and house lights illuminating its ominous...emptiness.
Buffy scowled in confusion and turned to Willow.
"Reveal la te!" Willow chanted helpfully.
A blinding light struck the stage and the smoke machines kicked on. Through the glare of the lights, they could make out a figure standing in the center of the stage behind a draped pedestal. A drum roll sounded, a cymbal crashed and the spotlight centered on the figure who stood in profile, head bowed in a really cheesy vogue. The house lights dimmed then, and the head slowly rose, finally looking out at them to reveal...
*gasp*
"Ethan Rayne!" Giles said, stomping forward and nodding in disgust. "I should have known. Obviously."
"Oh, obviously," Spike and Xander said together, rolling their eyes.
"You were the mastermind behind this extremely strange, yet nicely linear, revisit of Hellmouths past?" Willow asked.
"Yes," Ethan drawled smugly.
"I beg to differ, counsel," came a sultry voice from off-stage to the tune of high heels clicking smartly against the wooden floor. "They don't come bigger or badder than me. This grand scheme, in all its brilliant incomprehensibility, is my baby."
"Lilah?" Angel gasped.
"Um, I don't think so, folks," a voice weaseled out from opposite stage right as a slight figure slunk out of the darkness, his hands shoved in his pockets. "I did it. It was me."
"W-Willy?" Buffy chortled.
"No," Ethan said firmly. "Sorry, I claim deus ex machina in this particular scenario. After all, isn't it obvious? It has chaotic written all over it."
"Quid pro quo, wizard," Lilah said, dazzling him with her legal BS. "The sheer vagueness of the plan is Wolfram and Hart Special Projects modus operandi." She glanced at her vermillion tinted fingernails, smiling. "Patent pending."
"Um, yeah, I got nuthin'," Willy said, shuffling his feet as they all looked toward him. "And I don't got none of them fancy French words to drop in, either." He started to ease off the stage. "So, I'm just gonna..." he nodded at them as he fought his way past the stage curtain. "Slayer. Angel. Spike. Um, people I've seen with the Slayer. Bye."
As Willy took his leave, Lilah turned to Ethan. "So, I'll just be..." she said, gesturing him off the stage.
"No! Chaos!" Ethan exclaimed. "The worshipping kind. Not the demon." He pointed at Lilah. "Secondly? You're canonically dead."
"Pfft," Lilah said. "Special Projects Article W-H 7: Resurrection of Person with Witnessed Death. Patent awarded 2001."
"Ah, Lilah?" Angel said. "Wesley cut - off - your - head."
"But you can't destroy matter," Xander said. "It can always take another form." They turned to look at him expectantly. "That's all I got. And I think I got that from STTNG."
"I don't know what's geekier," Willow said, staring at him, "that you just referenced Star Trek in a crisis moment, or that you tried to hip it up with the abreves."
"Chaos!" Ethan howled, his hands rising above his head to shake menacingly. "Chaos! Pandemonium! Cluster-fuck! Be gone, evil litigator!" Ethan clapped his hands together and Lilah disappeared in a quick flash of light, leaving several briefs behind.
Ethan sighed, wiping his hands. "Now, where were we?"
"Gettin' ready to ride up on some wicked-ass wizard butt," Faith said.
"Bring it on, Slayer," Ethan said. "Power kicks are no match for Janus and Chaos."
"I distinctly remember destroying your statue of Janus," Giles said.
Ethan whipped the drop cloth off the pedestal in front of him, revealing a three-foot high, two-faced bust of Janus. "I got a bigger one."
"Quick!" Willow said, grabbing Buffy and Xander's hands, "let's join our essences."
"All riiight, Red," Faith said, leering. "I always knew you had some down-and-dirty in ya."
Willow sighed, rolling her eyes. "I meant mystically," she said, smiling at the Dark Slayer.
"Okay," Willow continued as they formed a circle, "Buffy's the vessel. No discussion," she said, cutting off Spike, Angel and Faith's protests. She bummed a cigarette and lighter off Spike and chanted quickly over it.
Buffy felt the infusion of magic, werewolf strength, vampire invulnerability, 17 lessons of You Can Learn Tae Kwon Do! and whatever the hell Illyria was flood her body.
Shaking with the need to growl, ravage, drink deep of the rich red elixir of life and worrying too much about her hair, Buffy leapt onto the stage and flipped into a graceful straddle jump with a triple twist, landing on the statue of Janus and smashing it into several knick knacks.
"Well, that was just...anti-climatic," Ethan said.
The lights shimmered and big magic mojo whooshed through the room.
Buffy, Willow, Xander, Angel and Spike sat up slowly, finding themselves on the edge of the Sunnydale pit, just inside the yellow caution tape.
"Okay, rude much?" Buffy said, looking around them. "At least he could have put us back where he found us."
"Maybe it's because the five of us...part of us will always be in Sunnydale," Willow said thoughtfully.
"That's beautiful, Will," Xander said. "And kind of lame."
"Yeah, I know," she said, shrugging. "I was reaching."
They stood up, looking around them at the emptiness that surrounded the giant crater and trying to process everything.
"Well, at least the wiggy spell is over," Buffy said. "I hope." She looked to Willow for confirmation. "Will?"
"Fuuuh...dge," Willow said. "Fuh...rickin'." She grinned, finding her nicely vanilla vocabulary back. "Yep. All un-magicked."
"Thank God," Buffy sighed. She tilted her head at Xander, smiling softly. "This must be the hardest on you," she said. "I mean, lips of Spike was one thing, but you had..." her eyes dropped to his fly and then darted away.
Xander frowned at her. "What are you talking about?"
"The spell," Buffy said. "Chaos!" she intoned dramatically. "You and Spike goin' all queer as folk."
She stopped, seeing the other four looking at her strangely. "What?"
"Buffy," Angel said, "the spell was just all of us being dropped back into an illusion of Sunnydale."
"And the fudgitty-fudge-fudge," Willow added.
Spike walked over and wrapped his arms around Xander. "Me and the whelp was just a nice, unexpected bonus of our little adventure in Sunny-D Lite." Xander smiled back at him and kissed him lightly on the lips.
Buffy shook her head dazedly. "I gotta walk for a bit. Gotta deal." She turned away from them, heading toward the highway.
Angel and Willow caught up with her, linking their arms through hers as they smiled wryly at each other above her head. Spike and Xander followed slowly behind them, twining their fingers together and grinning as they contemplated love eternal.
"So," Buffy's voice floated back as they walked away, survivors of the Hellmouth one last time, "you're saying that you guys really were all hot for Spike...and melon really is the new pink?"
~*~THE END~*~
Title: It's All Been Done
Pairing: Spike/Xander, Buffy/Angel
Rating: R for language and utter snarkiness
Notes: Humor, loving snark on both canon and fanon, post "Chosen"
Previous chapters: here
Part Seven
Buffy won the foot-race with Angel and Spike and got to be the one to kick open the door of the Bronze with an epic flourish. With the vampires flanking her, Buffy marched up to the stage, the spotlights and house lights illuminating its ominous...emptiness.
Buffy scowled in confusion and turned to Willow.
"Reveal la te!" Willow chanted helpfully.
A blinding light struck the stage and the smoke machines kicked on. Through the glare of the lights, they could make out a figure standing in the center of the stage behind a draped pedestal. A drum roll sounded, a cymbal crashed and the spotlight centered on the figure who stood in profile, head bowed in a really cheesy vogue. The house lights dimmed then, and the head slowly rose, finally looking out at them to reveal...
*gasp*
"Ethan Rayne!" Giles said, stomping forward and nodding in disgust. "I should have known. Obviously."
"Oh, obviously," Spike and Xander said together, rolling their eyes.
"You were the mastermind behind this extremely strange, yet nicely linear, revisit of Hellmouths past?" Willow asked.
"Yes," Ethan drawled smugly.
"I beg to differ, counsel," came a sultry voice from off-stage to the tune of high heels clicking smartly against the wooden floor. "They don't come bigger or badder than me. This grand scheme, in all its brilliant incomprehensibility, is my baby."
"Lilah?" Angel gasped.
"Um, I don't think so, folks," a voice weaseled out from opposite stage right as a slight figure slunk out of the darkness, his hands shoved in his pockets. "I did it. It was me."
"W-Willy?" Buffy chortled.
"No," Ethan said firmly. "Sorry, I claim deus ex machina in this particular scenario. After all, isn't it obvious? It has chaotic written all over it."
"Quid pro quo, wizard," Lilah said, dazzling him with her legal BS. "The sheer vagueness of the plan is Wolfram and Hart Special Projects modus operandi." She glanced at her vermillion tinted fingernails, smiling. "Patent pending."
"Um, yeah, I got nuthin'," Willy said, shuffling his feet as they all looked toward him. "And I don't got none of them fancy French words to drop in, either." He started to ease off the stage. "So, I'm just gonna..." he nodded at them as he fought his way past the stage curtain. "Slayer. Angel. Spike. Um, people I've seen with the Slayer. Bye."
As Willy took his leave, Lilah turned to Ethan. "So, I'll just be..." she said, gesturing him off the stage.
"No! Chaos!" Ethan exclaimed. "The worshipping kind. Not the demon." He pointed at Lilah. "Secondly? You're canonically dead."
"Pfft," Lilah said. "Special Projects Article W-H 7: Resurrection of Person with Witnessed Death. Patent awarded 2001."
"Ah, Lilah?" Angel said. "Wesley cut - off - your - head."
"But you can't destroy matter," Xander said. "It can always take another form." They turned to look at him expectantly. "That's all I got. And I think I got that from STTNG."
"I don't know what's geekier," Willow said, staring at him, "that you just referenced Star Trek in a crisis moment, or that you tried to hip it up with the abreves."
"Chaos!" Ethan howled, his hands rising above his head to shake menacingly. "Chaos! Pandemonium! Cluster-fuck! Be gone, evil litigator!" Ethan clapped his hands together and Lilah disappeared in a quick flash of light, leaving several briefs behind.
Ethan sighed, wiping his hands. "Now, where were we?"
"Gettin' ready to ride up on some wicked-ass wizard butt," Faith said.
"Bring it on, Slayer," Ethan said. "Power kicks are no match for Janus and Chaos."
"I distinctly remember destroying your statue of Janus," Giles said.
Ethan whipped the drop cloth off the pedestal in front of him, revealing a three-foot high, two-faced bust of Janus. "I got a bigger one."
"Quick!" Willow said, grabbing Buffy and Xander's hands, "let's join our essences."
"All riiight, Red," Faith said, leering. "I always knew you had some down-and-dirty in ya."
Willow sighed, rolling her eyes. "I meant mystically," she said, smiling at the Dark Slayer.
"Okay," Willow continued as they formed a circle, "Buffy's the vessel. No discussion," she said, cutting off Spike, Angel and Faith's protests. She bummed a cigarette and lighter off Spike and chanted quickly over it.
Buffy felt the infusion of magic, werewolf strength, vampire invulnerability, 17 lessons of You Can Learn Tae Kwon Do! and whatever the hell Illyria was flood her body.
Shaking with the need to growl, ravage, drink deep of the rich red elixir of life and worrying too much about her hair, Buffy leapt onto the stage and flipped into a graceful straddle jump with a triple twist, landing on the statue of Janus and smashing it into several knick knacks.
"Well, that was just...anti-climatic," Ethan said.
The lights shimmered and big magic mojo whooshed through the room.
Buffy, Willow, Xander, Angel and Spike sat up slowly, finding themselves on the edge of the Sunnydale pit, just inside the yellow caution tape.
"Okay, rude much?" Buffy said, looking around them. "At least he could have put us back where he found us."
"Maybe it's because the five of us...part of us will always be in Sunnydale," Willow said thoughtfully.
"That's beautiful, Will," Xander said. "And kind of lame."
"Yeah, I know," she said, shrugging. "I was reaching."
They stood up, looking around them at the emptiness that surrounded the giant crater and trying to process everything.
"Well, at least the wiggy spell is over," Buffy said. "I hope." She looked to Willow for confirmation. "Will?"
"Fuuuh...dge," Willow said. "Fuh...rickin'." She grinned, finding her nicely vanilla vocabulary back. "Yep. All un-magicked."
"Thank God," Buffy sighed. She tilted her head at Xander, smiling softly. "This must be the hardest on you," she said. "I mean, lips of Spike was one thing, but you had..." her eyes dropped to his fly and then darted away.
Xander frowned at her. "What are you talking about?"
"The spell," Buffy said. "Chaos!" she intoned dramatically. "You and Spike goin' all queer as folk."
She stopped, seeing the other four looking at her strangely. "What?"
"Buffy," Angel said, "the spell was just all of us being dropped back into an illusion of Sunnydale."
"And the fudgitty-fudge-fudge," Willow added.
Spike walked over and wrapped his arms around Xander. "Me and the whelp was just a nice, unexpected bonus of our little adventure in Sunny-D Lite." Xander smiled back at him and kissed him lightly on the lips.
Buffy shook her head dazedly. "I gotta walk for a bit. Gotta deal." She turned away from them, heading toward the highway.
Angel and Willow caught up with her, linking their arms through hers as they smiled wryly at each other above her head. Spike and Xander followed slowly behind them, twining their fingers together and grinning as they contemplated love eternal.
"So," Buffy's voice floated back as they walked away, survivors of the Hellmouth one last time, "you're saying that you guys really were all hot for Spike...and melon really is the new pink?"
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2004-08-15 11:59 am (UTC)From:excellent -- this flat-out rocked. you know I loved the Lilah parts and then this ...
"I don't know what's geekier," Willow said, staring at him, "that you just referenced Star Trek in a crisis moment, or that you tried to hip it up with the abreves."
also combining the essences and "whatever the hell Illyria was"
rrm. where'd Riley go? I'm just saying ;)
no subject
Date: 2004-08-15 12:04 pm (UTC)From:From the moment I realized I had to have a reason for them being back in SD, the whole Eddie/Carrie "bad planning by people who plan badly" conversation has been rocketing around in my head. I knew I was going to use the deus ex machina phrase, and modus operandi just went so nicely with it. Thank you for corrupting me with BtVS, AtS, Spike-luv and fic goodness. And my comment is longer than my post..
no subject
Date: 2004-08-16 12:10 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2004-08-16 08:35 pm (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2004-08-18 03:22 pm (UTC)From:for gay vampire pornthrough a friend of a friend's LJ.This is the quirkiest, most hilarious fic that I've read in a long while. Excellent stuff, there are so many quotes from this fic that I loved that I'm not gonna list them all here. Suffice to say that I loved my feckin' ass off ;)
I just wanted to say thank you for sharing - I enjoyed this so much :)
no subject
Date: 2004-08-18 03:24 pm (UTC)From:Thanks again :)
no subject
Date: 2004-08-18 05:06 pm (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2007-01-08 08:15 am (UTC)From:“Yeah, well, since I never went by Spikelus, I don’t have a handy ‘evil-now’ nickname, do I?”
OMG!!! Its 2am and I was Laughing. My. Ass. Off.
Oh god. that is too good... I may have to save that for a email signiture quote, okay?
peachus
no subject
Date: 2007-01-11 01:14 am (UTC)From:And every other cliche from fandom and the show I decided to poke at. Strangely, I still have friends in fandom, even after writing this. :)
You can save any quote you like, and thanks again for the fb!
no subject
Date: 2008-05-27 02:59 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2008-05-27 03:00 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2008-05-27 03:24 am (UTC)From: