crazydiamondsue | Fic: Simultaneous S/A, Humor

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Fic: Simultaneous S/A, Humor

Okay, so

dovil asked, completely tongue-in-cheek, for a few fic requests in her last post. I don't understand tongue-in-cheek, so I wrote a little something based on this request:

I want to read a story where there's 20 minutes of foreplay described in extreme detail, nipples getting perky, rubbing and saliva going everywhere with gay abandon. And when they get to the down and dirty good stuff it's 'Pfft' and it's all over and everyone's left standing around looking sheepish and wondering what the hell just happened. I would point and laugh.

I typed a little story into her comments and it made me laugh, so I titled it, had Vinnie beta it and here it is:

Spike/Angel
NC-17

Simultaneous, for dovil

Spike's head fell back as lips colder than death closed over his collarbone. His body tensed and jerked as the coldness slithered further, bathing his neck and running toward his ear.

"Gah! Catch it, you stupid git, before it's in my hair!"

"Shut up," Angel muttered, his tongue chasing after the glob of strawberry ice cream. "The vibration from your yammering is what's getting it everywhere."

Spike stilled as Angel's tongue flattened against his throat, lapping, cleansing, thrilling. He shuddered as Angel's teeth nipped at the spot at the junction of his neck and shoulder where the skin was somehow softer, shinier and still so sensitive after all these years...

"Yeah," Angel breathed, feeling Spike writhe beneath him. "There it is...your sweet spot, the place of your first submission..."

Spike pulled away from him, glaring. "S'not Dru's claim mark, you nonce. You're on the wrong side. You're gnawing at the curling iron burn from that Leif Garrett phase I went through..."

"Huh," Angel said, tilting Spike's chin and nibbling down the other side of Spike's neck to find a scar that was more of the puncture and less of the burn variety. "Sorry I missed that phase. Sounds pretty."

"Was lovely," Spike said, arching his neck to give Angel better access and running his hands over the hard muscles of the darker vampire's back. "Took a bit of experimentin' to find just the right 70s look to co-opt for eternity."

Spike lay back against the cushions, closing his eyes as he felt Angel's lips move from his throat to his shoulder, soft tongue painting strokes across his chest to his nipples. It wasn't often he got more foreplay than, "Spread 'em!" and then the sound of lube clicking open, so he meant to savor this.

Angel's teeth were scraping against his nipple, causing it to tighten and fill with a hollow ache that was only soothed by the tight cool wetness of a mouth endowed with the memories of over a century of sucking.

When Spike's entire chest was rubbed pink from Angel's nips, bites and five day old stubble, Spike flipped them over, rubbing his skin against Angel's, sharing saliva and melted ice cream and then licking it clean again.

Angel's hand fisted in Spike's hair, dragging him up so that their mouths met. Their tongues slid together for long minutes as their hands were harsh and then soft against each other, finding places discovered long past and re-learning them. Each time Angel's hands clenched around his hips, bruising, Spike tensed, expecting to be turned and mounted, but Angel would just squeeze teasingly until his fingers roamed elsewhere, tugging at soft hair and then slipping away, easing down hard flesh.

Spike's body slid over Angel's chest, his mouth following his hands, his tongue tracing the pinkbrown edges of Angel's nipples, swirling in circles that grew ever tighter. He concentrated on one, sucking and biting at the tight peak that was rough beneath his tongue, and then moved to the other, switching back and forth until Angel lay groaning beneath him.

Spike ran his tongue between the shuddering muscles of Angel's stomach, pausing to dip it into the navel and stabbing repeatedly, grinning an opened mouth smile as he heard Angel cursing him in a mixture of SoCal slang and fractured Gaelic.

He ignored the hard, eager column of flesh that bobbed at his lips and slid his hands down Angel's thighs, squeezing at the dense muscles of the vampire's legs until his fingers teased at the silky soft flesh behind Angel's knees.

"Spike..." Angel groaned.

Spike smirked the smirk of the temporarily dominant and bent his head, biting at the smoothness behind Angel's left knee and then vamping to sink his fangs in, sucking lightly. When Angel howled and jerked his leg out, almost unseating him, Spike looked up and winked at him.

"Just checking to see if that still made you all quivery, love." He licked his lips, his face sliding back to its sculpturesque human lines and bent his head again, kissing down the hard bone of Angel's shin. He brushed his lips against the high arch of Angel's foot, and then licked firmly around the ankle, braceleting it with blood-tinted saliva.

Angel's foot launched back, catching Spike in the chest, and shoving him back into the cushions. Angel was quickly atop him, his hands and mouth everywhere at once.

"Tease," Angel murmured against the tender skin below Spike's pelvic arch, his tongue tracing the muscle again and again. He raised his head, looking down at the hard, defined planes of Spike's belly and groin. He traced a finger from the point of Spike's hip to the dark curls between his legs and then swirled it around his navel. "Forgot how pretty you were...like a really ripped girl."

"Hey! Watch the girly comments. Angel," Spike muttered, trying to thrust his aching hardness against Angel's much softer, yet more comfortable, hip.

Angel smiled at him and dipped his head, kissing Spike deeply, rubbing their bodies together harshly, each trying to find more to ease the ache, take away the pain, fill the void. You know, get off.

The kiss was long and desperate, making their heads spin, the lack of oxygen just a smug turn-on for them. Spike fisted his fingers in Angel's hair, scrambling for purchase as he arched his neck and plunged his tongue deeper, faster.

Angel's hard hands were all over him, claiming him, stroking him; making him crazy. They were trembling against each other, straining, both of them driven to a point past desire, tumbling together into a need that was greater than lust of the flesh.

"Now. Please." Spike groaned. He hissed as Angel's hands closed around his thighs again, the fingers just brushing his hard length. "God. Angel....hurry..."

Angel lined himself up, his cock just teasing against the hidden softness of Spike's body. "Now, Spike. I'll give you want you want now," he soothed as he prepared to thrust into that welcome coolness. "Gonna ride you hard...fuck you until you remember every time we had...make you clench against me until I'm...oh, fuuuuck," Angel groaned. His body tightened, jerking against Spike as his own words forced his orgasm from him, coating Spike's cock and thighs.

"Angel, Christ!" Spike gritted out as his body jerked and trembled, the cool spatter of Angel's release causing him to cry out as he came hard, his thighs knotting and twisting beneath Angel's hands as they shuddered together.

They stilled, panting, and then Angel yanked his hands away from Spike, standing and stumbling a bit. Spike looked away from him, biting his lip. He listened to the rustling as Angel quickly began pulling his clothes on, and reached for his own jeans, at a loss for words.

They avoided each other's eyes, and then finally Angel muttered, "Well, at least it was simultaneous."

Spike sighed. "Yeah, there's that."

:::SCENE:::

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Spike pulled away from him, glaring. "S'not Dru's claim mark, you nonce. You're on the wrong side.

*snarffle* I could just see Angel doing that...

each trying to find more to ease the ache, take away the pain, fill the void. You know, get off.

I love this line...all poetic and snarky *g*

They avoided each other's eyes, and then finally Angel muttered, "Well, at least it was simultaneous."

Spike sighed. "Yeah, there's that."

Hee! I love this story! Hilarious!

Oops, forgot...love the icon!

Thanks, sweetie! Yeah, that was fun. I read

dovil's post and thought, heh, I'd like to see those stories, too. I had just been thinking about writing a love scene that was more like "real" sex and this seemed to work. And once that curling iron thought occured, the snark just kept rollin'. *g* I like my new icon. Shiny.

(no subject)

paynbow.livejournal.com - 2004-11-21 17:12 (UTC) - Expand

Oh what!

That was bloody fantastic!

''Well at least it was simultanuous.''

*Hoots!*

*g* Thanks!

dovil really got me with the "sheepish looks" and it just grew from there. I promised her I'd write Spangel someday...and I know she'll appreciate the snarkiness here.

Heee!
Fun, funny, and...sheepish vampires!!
*snerk*

Luurve your icon - so pretteh!

Ah, snark *so* much easier for me to write than any other genre. *pets you for the icon love*

Woot! See, I was patient and capitulated to your sexy Spander and Cowboy Xangel *sigh* and now you're finally writing Spangel, too!

Love the nice, slow build-up leading to the simultaneous orgasims *snicker* (and the icon is great, too.)

My first fic with gratuitous use of "saliva" and "Leif Garrett." Okay, dovil only asked for saliva, the Leif was all me (just watched "Dickie Roberts" the other night.) I didn't know I could write Spangel or snarky smut. Hee! I love my new icon...I really wanted something not fannish (love the forever love one, tho.)

I worship you. That's it, I'm starting a church.

Not that I would encourage self worship, you understand, but may I call Sister Stoney to the front (she has a great voice) to lead us all in our opening hymn:

Writing in the morning, writing words of smutness
Slashing in the noontide and the dewey eve;
Slashing Spike and Angel, and then some Spike and Xander
We shall "come" rejoicing, reading of the smut! Reading of the smut, reading of the smut - we shall come rejoicing...reading of the smut!!!

Testify!!!

(And my Baptist granny's spinning now.)

See you at services. *g*

(no subject)

paynbow.livejournal.com - 2004-11-21 17:15 (UTC) - Expand

ROFLMAO!

"S'not Dru's claim mark, you nonce. You're on the wrong side. You're gnawing at the curling iron burn from that Leif Garrett phase I went through..."

Leif Garrett! ::chokes on a Malteser::

Hee! That Leif Garrett line really got the story rolling for me. I made myself giggle. Thanks!

Spike pulled away from him, glaring. "S'not Dru's claim mark, you nonce. You're on the wrong side. You're gnawing at the curling iron burn from that Leif Garrett phase I went through..."

BWAH HA HA!! That's priceless!

They avoided each other's eyes, and then finally Angel muttered, "Well, at least it was simultaneous."

Spike sighed. "Yeah, there's that."

*points and laughs* See, told you that I would. Hee, hee!

Funny and with the hotness and the snark. I have soooo now married this and am out buying cutlery sets for our luv nest! Thank you very, very much I LOVED it! :D <- (me smiling lots cause I loved it)

And hey, nice icon!

*points and laughs with you* The first thing I thought of was Angel trying to find Spike's bite mark and mistaking some other scar. Then I thought, "Hmmm...what kind of scar would Spike have on his neck? Curling iron!!!" Yeah, that was fun. *smooches you for awesome fic promps*

*Congratulates Mr. and Mrs. Pffft Fic*

Lmao! That was brilliant! Funny and hot at the same time.

Your icon!!! Yes! Brilliant!

Thanks - the funny I can bring, the smut eh, I've been told it's hot - I don't see it, but this was easy to write and Leif Garrett references amuse me. :)

(no subject)

eyezrthewindows.livejournal.com - 2004-11-22 20:06 (UTC) - Expand

LMAO!

Sues's journal...come for the funny - stay for the food. Glad I could give you a giggle. *g*

Excellent! I have a kink for bad!sex, and this is a beautiful addition to the genre. *all happy now*

Yay! Thanks! I read a few of your bad!sex stories and loved them, so I'm glad you liked it!!!!

Bwaahahaha!!!

Hot and funny! I just had this image of Spike as the Victorian woman, with the spread 'em line. My poor boy, Angel treats him so badly.

Love the icon, btw.

Spike as a Victorian woman! Hee - I didn't even think of that. That's great. Love your new icon, too.

Of course what makes it particularly funny is that it's Spangel. All that vampire stamina gone to waste. Hee.

Bwahahaha! That didn't even occur to me!!!! That's just great. Hee hee! From seven hour men to one minute men like *snap* that.

Hilarious! I wish I could remember who said recently somewhere that SG1 fic had more stories that were like real sex, where it doesn't always go, you know, smoothly! But Buffy/Angel 'verse fic was all with the perfect sex. Maybe you can start a trend toward the realism and funny sex, which I think would be all to the good! Make us mortals feel less inadequate, perhaps? :-)

Love the shiny new icon!

Besides wanting to answer dovil's cheeky request for "saliva," one thing I considered in her wish for exteneded foreplay is that most of the sex scenes I read concentrate on orifices and nipples (not that there's anything wrong with that) but no wrist love or knee touches or even toe sucking (hee!) So I went there and then got us around to the "Whoops!"

I'd been thinking about "real sex" scenes recently and I had a really funny line, but now I can't remember what it was. It was Spander...hmm...well, it's gone now. *g* I may write that someday.

LOL

Too many good lines to pick just one. And I can just see the looks on their faces!

I'm not terribly comfortable writing Angel yet, but I could just see the look on his face at that simultaneous line. Thanks. :)

Hee! That was so wonderful. Funny and snarkly and really, touchingly realistic.

Hee! Thanks. I couldn't resist a prompt that included "saliva" and "pfft." *g*

It was torture! I can't laugh out loud or I'll wake up the whole family, so I'm crying!
lol I still woke up the cats!
curling iron burn lol
each trying to find more to ease the ache, take away the pain, fill the void. You know, get off.
That's when I woke up the cats!
"Well, at least it was simultaneous."
That's when I cried!

*sigh* But it still felt good!

*rocks your cats* Yeah, curling iron's what it did it for me. Whatever else I wrote, I had accomplished everything I set out to with that. *g* Thanks (shhh!)

(deleted comment)

I think Spike could bring on the spontaneous. *g* This was fun to write - glad you liked!

Okay. Two pump chump came to mind, and I'm drinking a white russian, and it kinda hurts when it goes up into your sinuses. Did you know?

Curling iron burn? All the foreplay with food for a two pump chump. HA HA HA!! And look at you all popular and shit!

And I wrote it in like 10 MINUTES!!! You should see it in dovil's comments with all the mis-spellings and shit. I laughed about that Leif Garrett thing for days. Yes, only to you would I say: "I think I'm funny!!!"

And I miss you WAY more than "Pearl Harbor" sucked.

I'm late to the party, but better late than never arriving.

I decided to spend tonite catching up on my reading. Loved, loved, loved this.

The Leif Garrett reference had me giggling. I was a big fan of his back in my teenybopper days. In fact I have a few of his albums.

Great job -- loved the foreplay. Very hot!!!!

Hee! Thanks so much - I love out of the blue feedback (I initially typed "foreplay" - well, I love that, too!) This one was lots of fun - and the idea of Spike trying different 70s looks (Shaft, Dorothy Hamil, Leif Garrett - amused the heck out of me.) Thanks!

*giggles* a Leif Garrett phase! I never heard that before!I've heard of harry potter phases or david bowie phases but never Leif Garrett!
But I love it! This is so cute!

*g* I loved punk!Spike, but the idea that he might have tried out several signature 70s looks (Dorothy Hamill, Leif Garrett, Shaft) before going with the punk blond amused me to no end. Thank you so much - it's always fun to get fb on older stories.

OK, I just read this and now I can't stop giggling. Leif Garret, always just so wrong.

You know they both lied about what happened in this encounter in their diaries.

You know they both lied about what happened in this encounter in their diaries. Totally.

I used to amuse myself imagining Spike trying on different 70s looks: disco!vamp, Dorothy Hamill!vamp, Han Solo!vamp. It's a good time.

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