Xander’s forehead rippled, his face scrunching in confusion. “Excuse me?”
“Oh, don’t play bloody stupid with me. You’re forgetting something. I. Know. You. I know everything about you. You’re trying to drive everyone away so you won’t be an inconvenience, right? Protecting everyone? Especially me.”
“Wil…”
“No. When’s the last time you talked to your chums? Buffy? Willow? Do they even know?”
Xander’s eyes found the ground. “They wouldn’t understand.”
“Ah. As I thought. Kind of the same way I wouldn’t understand?”
Xander nodded without looking up.
“Wrench in your little scenario, luv. I do understand. And as much as you don’t like it, I’m not leaving. You pushed me away before because I was a buggering idiot. Not gonna happen again.”
“Spike…”
“I’m not stupid. I know the risks. Won’t pretend it’ll be a walk in the park. But damn it, Xander… I love you. Can’t you see that?”
Xander blinked and everything seemed to move in slow motion. As he slowly looked up, Spike’s arms were around him, holding him, whispering that he wasn’t alone. He pulled away, just enough to be able to see Spike’s face. “That’s why I don’t trust myself with you. I forget.”
“Forgetting’s what you need, pet. And I’ll remind you when it’s necessary, right?”
“But you didn’t! The other day, I sucked you off, Spike. I sucked you off and you didn’t stop me! Don’t you realize???”
“Yes,” he answered harshly. He exhaled slowly and leaned in closer. “But not again. Okay? We were both weak, but now we know. We’ll help each other.”
“It won’t be the same. What you’ll have to learn to live with? The sex… A blowjob with a condom…”
“Will be just as good knowing you’re the one giving it, pet. Not something you need to worry about.”
“But what if…”
“Xander.” Spike snapped at him to get his full attention. “It’s not just about fucking. I can fuck anyone. It’s about wanting to be with you.”
Xander closed his eyes and leaned their foreheads together.
“So what do you say?” Spike asked softly. “Is there a you and me?”
Part 21b
Xander’s forehead rippled, his face scrunching in confusion. “Excuse me?”
“Oh, don’t play bloody stupid with me. You’re forgetting something. I. Know. You. I know everything about you. You’re trying to drive everyone away so you won’t be an inconvenience, right? Protecting everyone? Especially me.”
“Wil…”
“No. When’s the last time you talked to your chums? Buffy? Willow? Do they even know?”
Xander’s eyes found the ground. “They wouldn’t understand.”
“Ah. As I thought. Kind of the same way I wouldn’t understand?”
Xander nodded without looking up.
“Wrench in your little scenario, luv. I do understand. And as much as you don’t like it, I’m not leaving. You pushed me away before because I was a buggering idiot. Not gonna happen again.”
“Spike…”
“I’m not stupid. I know the risks. Won’t pretend it’ll be a walk in the park. But damn it, Xander… I love you. Can’t you see that?”
Xander blinked and everything seemed to move in slow motion. As he slowly looked up, Spike’s arms were around him, holding him, whispering that he wasn’t alone. He pulled away, just enough to be able to see Spike’s face. “That’s why I don’t trust myself with you. I forget.”
“Forgetting’s what you need, pet. And I’ll remind you when it’s necessary, right?”
“But you didn’t! The other day, I sucked you off, Spike. I sucked you off and you didn’t stop me! Don’t you realize???”
“Yes,” he answered harshly. He exhaled slowly and leaned in closer. “But not again. Okay? We were both weak, but now we know. We’ll help each other.”
“It won’t be the same. What you’ll have to learn to live with? The sex… A blowjob with a condom…”
“Will be just as good knowing you’re the one giving it, pet. Not something you need to worry about.”
“But what if…”
“Xander.” Spike snapped at him to get his full attention. “It’s not just about fucking. I can fuck anyone. It’s about wanting to be with you.”
Xander closed his eyes and leaned their foreheads together.
“So what do you say?” Spike asked softly. “Is there a you and me?”