Spike stood up, flicking his butt into the trashcan, not caring that the tip was still burning.
“You selfish sod.”
Xander’s head snapped upward, a look of confusion mixed with a frown on his lips. “What? I wasn’t being selfish! I was thinking about you!”
“Took the easy way out, didn’t you? Went out, found some little twinkie to fuck? Bet you planned it just right, too. Knew I’d find you there, in our bed.”
“Spike…”
“No. I think I hit the nail right on the head, didn’t I?! You couldn’t handle it so you made sure I wasn’t around to see what a sodding idiot you were!”
“Shut the fuck up. You don’t know anything!”
Spike laughed. An evil, angered, full of emotion chuckle. “No! I don’t know anything! Because you kept me in the dark and pushed me away!”
Xander was up off the floor and facing down Spike before he had a chance to say anything else. “I pushed you away because I didn’t want you to always worry about fucking me! I know you! You would have said it didn’t matter, but deep down, you’d be terrified. Always wondering, always afraid. Do I have it, will I get it. Is this gonna be the time…I may have to live with this fucking disease, but that doesn’t mean you do!”
Spike stepped in, closing the distance until they were nose to nose. “You didn’t have the right to make that choice!”
“I wasn’t going to let you stay with me out of some stupid sense of loyalty!”
“Loyalty?! You think I would have stayed because of loyalty!?” Spike grit his teeth and shook his head, trying to push his anger down so he could think rationally. “Try love. That’s what you do when you love someone. You stick it through even when life throws a big pile of shit at you.”
“Well this is more than a pile of shit. This is a fucking manure truck.”
Spike blinked at Xander’s sense of humor. He couldn’t help it and found his arms wrapping around Xander’s waist, pulling him in. As angry and hurt as he was, he knew what Xander was going through was magnified ten fold. “How could you possibly think I wouldn’t want to be with you?”
Xander closed his eyes and let his head tilt to rest on Spike’s shoulder. “You say that now. But what about if I’m sick? Or worse? I’ve spent the last two years exercising, eating right, popping meds… doing everything I can to be healthy. It’s not always gonna be this way.”
Spike moved his hand to the back of Xander’s neck, playing with the dark curls. “What about love?”
“What about it? There are always guys around who want to fuck. I’m always up front. Tell ‘em exactly how it is.”
“I wasn’t talking about fucking.”
“I know.”
“So you’ll risk some anonymous stranger, but you pushed me away?”
Xander sighed. “I don’t care about them. I know that may sound cold, but I let them know. If they don’t care, I don’t care. With you, things are different.”
“That should be my choice, pet. You had no right to take it away from me.”
“I couldn’t live with myself if anything happened. All it takes is just one time.”
“You’re worth the risk, Xander. If I’d known the truth, I never would have left.”
Part 17
“You selfish sod.”
Xander’s head snapped upward, a look of confusion mixed with a frown on his lips. “What? I wasn’t being selfish! I was thinking about you!”
“Took the easy way out, didn’t you? Went out, found some little twinkie to fuck? Bet you planned it just right, too. Knew I’d find you there, in our bed.”
“Spike…”
“No. I think I hit the nail right on the head, didn’t I?! You couldn’t handle it so you made sure I wasn’t around to see what a sodding idiot you were!”
“Shut the fuck up. You don’t know anything!”
Spike laughed. An evil, angered, full of emotion chuckle. “No! I don’t know anything! Because you kept me in the dark and pushed me away!”
Xander was up off the floor and facing down Spike before he had a chance to say anything else. “I pushed you away because I didn’t want you to always worry about fucking me! I know you! You would have said it didn’t matter, but deep down, you’d be terrified. Always wondering, always afraid. Do I have it, will I get it. Is this gonna be the time…I may have to live with this fucking disease, but that doesn’t mean you do!”
Spike stepped in, closing the distance until they were nose to nose. “You didn’t have the right to make that choice!”
“I wasn’t going to let you stay with me out of some stupid sense of loyalty!”
“Loyalty?! You think I would have stayed because of loyalty!?” Spike grit his teeth and shook his head, trying to push his anger down so he could think rationally. “Try love. That’s what you do when you love someone. You stick it through even when life throws a big pile of shit at you.”
“Well this is more than a pile of shit. This is a fucking manure truck.”
Spike blinked at Xander’s sense of humor. He couldn’t help it and found his arms wrapping around Xander’s waist, pulling him in. As angry and hurt as he was, he knew what Xander was going through was magnified ten fold. “How could you possibly think I wouldn’t want to be with you?”
Xander closed his eyes and let his head tilt to rest on Spike’s shoulder. “You say that now. But what about if I’m sick? Or worse? I’ve spent the last two years exercising, eating right, popping meds… doing everything I can to be healthy. It’s not always gonna be this way.”
Spike moved his hand to the back of Xander’s neck, playing with the dark curls. “What about love?”
“What about it? There are always guys around who want to fuck. I’m always up front. Tell ‘em exactly how it is.”
“I wasn’t talking about fucking.”
“I know.”
“So you’ll risk some anonymous stranger, but you pushed me away?”
Xander sighed. “I don’t care about them. I know that may sound cold, but I let them know. If they don’t care, I don’t care. With you, things are different.”
“That should be my choice, pet. You had no right to take it away from me.”
“I couldn’t live with myself if anything happened. All it takes is just one time.”
“You’re worth the risk, Xander. If I’d known the truth, I never would have left.”