4.5 Me and the Devil
Bill greets Portia at his door with a formal, “Good evening, Miss Bellefleur.” Uh-oh. Paw-Paw Bill’s got a whole lot of missed birthdays and pony rides to make up for. Or not: Portia launches herself at Bill and kisses him. Bill vamp speeds away, sputtering, “We share a bloodline!” Portia chases him around the office like an outtake from Horrible Bosses, bullet-pointing the incest statutes she stayed up all night looking up on the internet. She throws a Hail Mary with the fact that the state doesn’t get involved in the lives of consenting adults, allowing Bill to utter, “Please do not think you have my consent” with such gravitas that he will forever have my love. Portia natters about genetically mutated offspring and vampires shooting blanks and married cousins, and the yuck factor aside, it’s just embarrassing. Damn, girl! He said no; go home and read “Pop-Pop’s Just Not That Into You” and remind yourself that you’re a strong, confident woman.